The King of Other Worlds

FYC: " The King of Other Worlds " - James Cameron's latest film is his most personal to date, an avant-garde experimental autobiopic in which eschews the spectacle he is so famous for. For three hours we watch Cameron as he wanders alone, naked, through an armoury of loaded high-caliber weapons, and masturbates furiously with them whilst muttering: "I hate you... you're so wrong!" over and over again.

Carry On Auschwitz !

FYC: " Carry On, Auschwitz ! " - Michael Winner's homage to classic British comedy based on a recently discovered script by dead old pervert Sid James, in which he used his art of cretinous sexual farce to come to terms with his place in the Jewish Diaspora and their great tragedy in the 20th century.

Clint Eastwood plays the Sid James part of Josh Rosenberg, a Polish Jew who, in preference to escaping the Nazis, becomes a transvestite so he can be rounded up for the death camps and share a bunk in the women-only dormitories.

Meanwhile, the Kenneth Williams character, played by Brad Pitt, keeps volunteering to help 'erect the guard-towers', Barbara Windsor plays a cameo against type as the camp's Matron, and Keira Knightly shines as an underage Gypsy girl drafted into the Joy Division.

Winner did not ultimately win the Israel Prize he had hoped for with this effort.

Father Christmas' Festive Violation Frenzy

FYC: " Father Christmas' Festive Violation Frenzy " - Pixar genius John Lasseter returns to form with this creepy tale of Saint Nicholas, a grotesque, bizarrely dressed old man who breaks into people's houses in the dead of night to "stuff their stockings".

Bro's Before Ho's

FYC: "Bro's Before Ho's " - Ice Cube's sophomore directorial offering is an 'Urban' adaptation of Eugene O'Neil's 1920 Pulitzer Prize winning play ' Beyond The Horizon ', spiced up for today's young audience with added AK-47's, drug abuse and pole-dancing.

Earthy pragmatist Dre wants nothing more than to take over his father's lap-dancing lounge cum illicit marijuana-farm, keep paying off the pigs, and make Ruby, the star stripper of the club, his bottom-woman. But Ruby is preoccupied with taking care of her crack-addled disabled mother, and only has eyes for Dre's starry-eyed weakling brother Rob, who has just come back from Yale but wants to go exploring  Africa to inspire him to write a hip-hop concept album to be called 'The Mother Land'.

But in a tale of  long-nursed resentments, ironically reversed and frustrated ambitions, and drive-by shootings, everyone either dies slowly from bitter, gnawing depression, or from having a cap put in their ass...

The Littlest Hobo: Sparky's Story

FYC: "The Littlest Hobo: Sparky's Story" - Ang Lee's depressingly literal portmanteau re-imagineering of the classic children's TV series, in which a nomadic piss, vomit and semen-stained alcoholic dwarf-vagrant takes the place of the plucky canine, going from town to town and having adventures with emotionally neglected youngsters, all of whom fall in love with him from the first moment he hides from the cops in their family's back yard, and they ask: "It's so cute - can I keep it, dad? PLEEEEAASE?!"

Sparky quickly warms even the gruffest parents' hearts, and love and laughter are had by all, until he assaults someone's crotch in each inevitable bar brawl, and is forced to skip town yet again, pausing only to burglarize his hosts' home, leaving an empty liquour cabinet and  randomly spiteful souvenir of fresh excretia in the child's bed as the only evidence of his visit...