Mike Leigh's Dracula

FYC: "Mike Leigh's Dracula" - Kitchen-sink update of Victorian Gothic masterpiece set on a Romford council estate, where Count Dracula (Gary Oldman) and his three brides (Sally Hawkins, Claire Skinner and Karin Fernandez) have fallen on hard times and subsist on the blood of crack addicts and economy bottles of White Lightning super-strength cider. The Count feels an ever increasing world-weary ennui as his wives nag him to finish minor domestic repair jobs and the off-licence threatens to close his line of credit; he only finds solace in his obsession with the young Polish girl who works at the ill-fated Fro-Yo outlet in the Liberty Shopping Centre, but it is soon to close its doors, leaving the Count with no hope for the future. Horrific.

The Anti-Social Network

FYC:"The Anti-Social Network" - Morality tale biopic of  activist turned entrepreneur Terry Cholmondley, CEO of  multi-thousand-dollar 'Silicon Roundabout' social network for dendrophiles, Timbrr. The film charts his progress from lonely bush masturbator to his arrest for fucking a tree near a nuclear installation, and his ultimate bitter-sweet redemption as Timbrr unites dendrophiles across the world, but he is permanently banned from Kew Gardens.

Whitley Streiber's Button Moon

FYC: "Whitley Streiber's Button Moon" - Updated genre-mash of terrifying alien abduction story Communion with maudlin-songed 80's children's TV classic Button Moon. Christopher Walken reprises his role as unfortunate horror writer and space bumee Whitley Streiber, whilst CGI-rendered voyeuristic interplanetary sex-beast Mr. Spoon steps in to administer repeated rectal probes. Guest-starring Vin Diesel as a large yellow button.

A Clockwork Orange (2014)

FYC: "A Clockwork Orange (2014)" - Originally intended to be directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, this radical re-imagineering of the Kubrick/Burgess dystopian meditation on free-will ended up in the hands of Paul W.S. Anderson due to a clerical error. Starring Vin Diesel literally as a citrus fruit made out of cogs.

Cats - The Musical, Part 2

FYC: "Cats - The Musical, Part 2" - Bella Tarr's ponderous, realist follow up to the Lloyd-Weber stage sensation. Consists entirely of contortionists, each naked except for a furry pair of ears and a tail, sleeping for ninety minutes then studiously licking their own anuses whilst sticking one leg in the air like a ballerina.

Father Brown Is Investigated

FYC: "Father Brown Is Investigated" - Realist feature adaptation of the G K Chesterton short stories, from the recent helmers of the James Bond franchise. Catholic priest Father Brown uses his superb reasoning skills and almost supernatural cunning to hide his brutal paedophile crimes from bumbling detectives.

James Bond: Gratin for Next Year

FYC: "James Bond: Gratin for Next Year" - Danny Dyer brings an earthy note to the espionaging English sociopathic sophisticate in yet another depressing realist interpretation of the franchise, this time helmed by Michael Haneke.

After an Iranian nuclear physicist is sent to Dubai for long term residential treatment after a stroke gives him vascular dementia, Bond is sent undercover as an orderly to try to recover as many memories of his work as possible before they are lost. Cue three hours of the glamorous spy wiping up shit and vomit and blood, whilst he grows increasingly frustrated and guilty whilst he pretends to the old man that he's his grandson to get the totally unreliable information off him, which his superiors are hoping can justify yet another oil war.

Ultimately Bond is hospitalised himself after a pathetic suicide attempt.

Includes the immortal line: "Me name's Bond, ya fahkin' slag! JAMES BOND!!"