The Thug in Uggs: a Compton Christmas Pantocrime

 Heartwarming family festive filmic treat in which two young black men are the only survivors of a gang related drive by.

One, of them, Milli, is the clueless but kind offspring of the skin gang leader. The only surviving henchman is Bussa, his younger but wiser and more cunning friend who leverages social climbing to go nominally legit and move away from violence as a way to steal big bucks, eventually worming their way into the Trump administration.

The fairy tale begins with a lucky pair of boots which Bussa gets his hands on by shooting a hipster tourist from Sweden in the head so he can project an image of wealth to set up a high end pyramid scheme involving centrifuge sales and paedophilic blackmail honeytraps.

Includes heart warming songs from Geto Boyz and Rick Ross such as crowd pleaser 'Let the coke flow like snow, skank ass ho'

Ninja Batty Bwoy!

 FYC: "Ninja Batty Bwoy! " (Only a Ninja can bun a Ninja)

Oscar Pullitzer is a mild mannered camp civil servant by day, plagued by homophobic persecution on the streets of Portmore, JA.

But by night he is a masked avenger, a vigilante super-ninja trained for years in the mountains of Japan, wrecking havoc on the prejudiced in his sequined pink garb and fabulous collection of traditional ninjtastic weapons.

When the bigots of the island realise he can only be killed by another ninja, they enlisted the reluctant help of dancehall legend Ninjaman.

The final combat does not end well for the erstwhile musical legend.

That Old Saw

A devil-conjurer who meddles with a cursed wood saw hidden in a cabin built over an old indian burial ground deep in the woods has to fight his own demons - but first,  he must fight his own demons.

 Interlude...

The Stepford Plebs

FYC: "The Stepford Plebs" - Realist science fiction utopia in which the world's billionaires escape the apocalypse they have wrought and safely colonise Mars, having used the internet to harvest all 'useful' personality info about the plebs, who are recreated as soul less programs and robots for their amusement.

The twist is that you are already one of those programs, being tested in a simulation until your incarnation as a disposable Martian robot gimp by the Stepford-Urizen Corporation.

Starring Vin Diesel as a large unusual rock formation on Mars.

The Man From Incel

FYC:"The Man From Incel" - Desperate thriller/farce based on the deeply unpopular TV series in which heroically embittered misogynists try to recover men's human rights to be sexually attractive. Having achieved this, our intrepid agents tackle involuntary unfunniness, underemployment, philosophical bankruptcy and being a laughing stock. One small self worth,  one giant leap back for menkind.

The Little White Girl Who Could

FYC: "The Little White Girl Who Could"

Oscar winning 'family friendly' dramedy guaranteed to make children appreciate their parents more.

Fannie McCaine is taken on an adventure holiday to the Democratic Republic of Congo by her wicked step-parents, who 'accidentally' lose her in the jungle during an ape trek.

Soon Fannie is surrounded by guerrillas rather than gorillas... but they are flummoxed when Annie's step-parents refuse to pay any ransom for her.

Frustrated, the warlord in charge decides to monetize her by sending her down the coltan mine with the local children.

Fannie learns the true value of love, laughter, and the minerals in her i-Phone, and all ends happily when Angelina Jolie 'rescues' her, thinking she has adopted a particularly spoilt albino.

2001 - A Space Jihad

FYC: "2001 - A Space Jihad" In honour of the 20th anniversary of Stanley Kubrick's elevation to star baby,  and of Ramadan , ISIS  presents its Islamist remake of 2001.

The plot closely follows the original, until the computer HALAL9000 goes mad because it's not sure how best to point the spaceship towards Mecca for prayers, and decides instead that the crew are all infidels and executes them, before martyring itself by crashing into the Martian monolith.

Mind-expanding psychedelia by The Silver Monkey

Dagobah: a Star Wars Story

FYC: "Dagobah: a Star Wars Story"

Yoda's ghost is dispossessed of his hovel when greedy developers from Cloud City move in, with the most powerful Force in the galaxy : gentrification , speculative off world investments and money laundering.

Soon Yoda's  beloved swamp is bull dozed to make way for artisan Bespin style baguette bakeries and fixed gear droid workshops.

Yoda tries to haunt the shit out of the newcomers, but things go from bad to worse when the forever empty luxury highrises go up, local politicians ironically using Yoda's own death from malaria as the pretext.

Significantly more exciting than the trade negotiations in episode two.

VFX by the Silver Monkey

My Struggle With Andre

FYC:"My Struggle With Andre" - In a dystopian future all major disputes are settled by betting on a televised hand to hand duel to the death between two champions. The wisdom of the audience has decided these to be resurrected clones manufactured by neuro-simulation and advanced genetic engineering technology of, on one hand, the Fuhrer of the Third Reich, and, on the other, Andre the Giant. Rebels against the televisiocracy, who believe that there must be a better form of governance, foolishly sabotage the cloning tank resulting in two creatures, one with Hitler's head but the enormous, powerful body of Andre, and one with the kindly bloated head of Andre atop the puny  body of the 20th C. genocidal maniac. Adolf the Giant goes on a rampage, emboldened by his new form, eager to restore the Reich, and it is up to Andre the Weakling to somehow overpower and decapitate him. Not worth seeing at cinema, but good for family viewing in your livings-room.

Forget Me Hot - The Carl Pubis Story

Documentary about London's trendiest restaurant, where anterio-grade amnesiac chef Carl Pubis prepares unique culinary abominations for each customer every night.

Pubis' heart warming story of turning adversity in to bizarre gastronomic triumph won 'un certain regarde' at Cannes and helped convince food critics to award him the first ever Michelin Trombone for inventing surrealist cuisine, night after night after night after...

Period Pains

FYC: "Period Pains" - 'Quantum Leap ' meets 'Orlando' in this socio-fantastical dramedy about Tina (Kristen Weeg) ,  a pharmacist with magical menses who body swaps with other similarly cursed females in other regions of time and space one week out of every month. *SPOILER* The  bitter sweet 'Sixth Sense' style twist is that Tina is driven to develop a Nobel prize winning alternative to ibuprofen that can be made out of dry leaves and pebbles for her own use in earlier times - desperation being the mother of invention... But can never cure herself of her tempo-uterine condition.

Mike Leigh's Dracula

FYC: "Mike Leigh's Dracula" - Kitchen-sink update of Victorian Gothic masterpiece set on a Romford council estate, where Count Dracula (Gary Oldman) and his three brides (Sally Hawkins, Claire Skinner and Karin Fernandez) have fallen on hard times and subsist on the blood of crack addicts and economy bottles of White Lightning super-strength cider. The Count feels an ever increasing world-weary ennui as his wives nag him to finish minor domestic repair jobs and the off-licence threatens to close his line of credit; he only finds solace in his obsession with the young Polish girl who works at the ill-fated Fro-Yo outlet in the Liberty Shopping Centre, but it is soon to close its doors, leaving the Count with no hope for the future. Horrific.

The Anti-Social Network

FYC:"The Anti-Social Network" - Morality tale biopic of  activist turned entrepreneur Terry Cholmondley, CEO of  multi-thousand-dollar 'Silicon Roundabout' social network for dendrophiles, Timbrr. The film charts his progress from lonely bush masturbator to his arrest for fucking a tree near a nuclear installation, and his ultimate bitter-sweet redemption as Timbrr unites dendrophiles across the world, but he is permanently banned from Kew Gardens.

Whitley Streiber's Button Moon

FYC: "Whitley Streiber's Button Moon" - Updated genre-mash of terrifying alien abduction story Communion with maudlin-songed 80's children's TV classic Button Moon. Christopher Walken reprises his role as unfortunate horror writer and space bumee Whitley Streiber, whilst CGI-rendered voyeuristic interplanetary sex-beast Mr. Spoon steps in to administer repeated rectal probes. Guest-starring Vin Diesel as a large yellow button.

A Clockwork Orange (2014)

FYC: "A Clockwork Orange (2014)" - Originally intended to be directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, this radical re-imagineering of the Kubrick/Burgess dystopian meditation on free-will ended up in the hands of Paul W.S. Anderson due to a clerical error. Starring Vin Diesel literally as a citrus fruit made out of cogs.

Cats - The Musical, Part 2

FYC: "Cats - The Musical, Part 2" - Bella Tarr's ponderous, realist follow up to the Lloyd-Weber stage sensation. Consists entirely of contortionists, each naked except for a furry pair of ears and a tail, sleeping for ninety minutes then studiously licking their own anuses whilst sticking one leg in the air like a ballerina.

Father Brown Is Investigated

FYC: "Father Brown Is Investigated" - Realist feature adaptation of the G K Chesterton short stories, from the recent helmers of the James Bond franchise. Catholic priest Father Brown uses his superb reasoning skills and almost supernatural cunning to hide his brutal paedophile crimes from bumbling detectives.

James Bond: Gratin for Next Year

FYC: "James Bond: Gratin for Next Year" - Danny Dyer brings an earthy note to the espionaging English sociopathic sophisticate in yet another depressing realist interpretation of the franchise, this time helmed by Michael Haneke.

After an Iranian nuclear physicist is sent to Dubai for long term residential treatment after a stroke gives him vascular dementia, Bond is sent undercover as an orderly to try to recover as many memories of his work as possible before they are lost. Cue three hours of the glamorous spy wiping up shit and vomit and blood, whilst he grows increasingly frustrated and guilty whilst he pretends to the old man that he's his grandson to get the totally unreliable information off him, which his superiors are hoping can justify yet another oil war.

Ultimately Bond is hospitalised himself after a pathetic suicide attempt.

Includes the immortal line: "Me name's Bond, ya fahkin' slag! JAMES BOND!!"

The Disintegration of Hélène 'Cock Puncher' Stromboli

FYC: "The Disintegration of Hélène 'Cock Puncher' Stromboli" - Brooding and depressing French meditation on morality and gender politics by the director of Amour.

Sophisticated middle-aged dominatrix Hélène Stromboli, acknowledged by the fetishists of Paris as the best cock puncher in the business, finds her world turned upside down when the beautiful young Natalie approaches her with a strange request; rather than seeking to learn the secrets of cock punching herself, she instead asks to hire Stromboli to punch her in the twat.

This causes Hélène to spiral in to a maelstrom of confusion and apathy, and to reflect on her marriage, career, and motherhood. Can she punch a woman in the twat? Should she? DARE she..?