"You Are What You Eat"

FYC: "You Are What You Eat" - Prequel to the hit film 'Man in the Mirror'. Milos Forman's opus about a jaded gourmand who invents a time-machine in order to go into the future and kill, cook and eat himself... but his future self has other ideas! Starring Ed Norton.

"Snakes and Ladders"

FYC: "Snakes and Ladders" - Child-friendly action-adventure movie based on the English version of the classic board-game, with lashings of allegory about the American political system and the influence of the Tea Party on Republican policy. Originally slated as a Michael Bay project, the studio realised it could hire Tim Robbins to helm much cheaper, due to his outstanding financial obligation to Susan Sarandon to buy out her share of the old family summer cottage which became his home after their split. Starring Harvey Keitel as the snake and Vin Diesel as the wooden ladder.

"War Whores"

FYC: "War Whores" - Yu Hyun-mok's moving account of the rise and fall of a Parisian sex worker during World War 1, and her repeatedly shattered dream of merely being abused and exploited for the sexual gratification of unpleasant men, like the rest of the prostitutes, instead of being literally and figuratively fucked with a sinister ulterior motive. All the while her little brother follows her through France, desperately trying to rescue her from the horrors of prositution and war.

First she is used to settle a dispute between her father and the town pimp, and once she has escaped his clutches and found a life of courtesanship in Paris, she finds herself enveloped in the intrigues of the French political scene whilst working at Le Chabanais. Then she is purchased by the invading German generals, upon whom, for patriotic reasons, she spies, aiding the British with intelligence on troop mvements.

She soon becomes aware of 'troop movements' of a different sort when the British renege on their deal of repatriating her and setting her up with a new life, and she is reduced to being a street walker near the front. There she contracts syphillis, but still manages to find employment as a walking disease-bag for British and American serviceman who wish to incapacitate themselves from action and be sent home on medical leave.

The film climaxes when she unwittingly sleeps with her brother for a pair of nylons, and out of shame they enter a suicide pact. As they kill themselves on the day of the liberation of France the radio plays La Marseillaise and the camera zooms in slowly on an American propaganda poster emblazoned with the slogan: “You wouldn’t use another fellow’s tooth-brush, so why use his whore?”. The ultimate date movie.

"A Very Fritzl Family Christmas!"

FYC: "A Very Fritzl Family Christmas!" - A look at the lighter side of Austria's most famous and much-maligned father-figure. When Fritzl brings home some shiny toys and a giant Christmas tree for his incest-rape-family, it gets stuck in the door to his dungeon, and threatens to expose his lair to the outside world. Comedy shennanigans ensue when Papa Josef has to restrain his children/grand-children with psychological and physical intimidation to avoid exposure and arrest, but also learn the true meaning of Christmas in the process. A festive treat about, love, laughter and the importance of family, with a heart-warming ending in which the family get to stay together in their cosy undergound home for another seventeen years.

"Agatha Christie's 'Thirteen Shuriken' "

FYC: "Agatha Christie's 'Thirteen Shuriken' " - Genteel Edwardian detective drama with splashes of 'Kill Bill' in this adaptation of a classic, one of the few stories in which Poirot and Miss Marple both appear, and compete to solve the corpse-riddled riddle. Thirteen English industrialists, together with their friends and staff, gather in a country house in 1919 to decide who will get the lucrative contract for the mustard gas for Churchill's planned genocide against the Kurds. But one by one they are brutally murdered, each by a different, old-school Oriental method, leaving no clues as to the assailant's identity other than an engraved shuriken embedded in their foreheads. It appears that there is a Ninja with a grudge amongst the visitors to Blethien Manor, but who could it be, and can the two amateur sleuths stop him (or could it be... her?) before there is no one left to profit by helping murder the sand-niggers? Includes steamy sleuth-on-sleuth octogenarian sex and Miss Marple's famous Katana duel with the Ninja.

"Woody Allen's 'Tranny Granny' "

FYC: "Woody Allen's 'Tranny Granny' " - The Manhattan mirth-meister's hard-core pornographic semi-autobiographical re-imagineering of Robin Williams classic "Mrs Doubtfire", in which Allen plays a perverted film director, Buddy, suffering from sexual frustration as his shrew-like wife's divorce proceedings deny him the chance to fuck his adopted children. But there are chuckles a-plenty when Buddy disguises himself as a kindly, matronly nanny so that he can continue to pseudo-paedo-incestuously diddle his kids over the holiday season, under the very noses of his embittered wife and a callous judicial system. A festive Christmas treat for the whole family. Includes the classic lines "Don't touch her dreidel!" and "Isn't Rufinol traditional for Hannukah latkes?"

My Dinner With Peter Andre

FYC: "My Dinner With Peter Andre" - When Vin Diesel's limousine breaks down on the motorway en route to a press event in England to promote his latest film, he is forced to have a meal at the Little Chef at the infamous Heston Services. There he almost loses the will to live over a bowl of alledged tomato-soup whilst being waited on by listlesss, resentful staff and angry families with screaming children. However, his meal is enlivened by the arrival of another celebrity, Peter Andre, who has come to Heston on business (cutting the ribbon on the new Greggs for twenty quid and two sausage rolls) - the two proceed to talk about life, love, and the fickle nature of international stardom, with Andre asking Diesel what it's like.

"Ocean's 12 Angry Men" [Special Guest Entry]

FYC: "Ocean's 12 Angry Men" - Heart-throb George Clooney resumes his role as Danny Ocean for one last time. In this court-room comedy (courmedy), he needs to persuade his fellow jurors that Brad Pitt is not only devilishly handsome, but also innocent of molesting homeless vagrants. Hilarity ensues. But does Danny have alternate motives for his shenanigans? Can we ever really know what the two are thinking? [Contributed by The Silver Monkey]

608 State: Mozart Whores It To The Robots

FYC: "608 State: Mozart Whores It To The Robots" - Michael Bay's action packed prequel to Amadeus in which the musical prodigy, having had to squander his annual income on a syphillis treatment, is forced to combine two fantasias into one for Mr Muller's mechanical musical robots in return for the payment of his gambling debts. But little do they know that a music-hating time-traveller has returned from the future and is sabotaging Mozart's manuscripts on their way to Muller's gallery, introducing complex viruses that make the robots churn out Coldplay and go on a killing spree in Vienna. Mozart is blamed for the 'daemoniac' music until the time-traveller's true nature is revealed... but it turns out that he is the descendant of the man killed by Muller in a duel, when he was living under his real name of Count Deym von Stritez, and there is a death penalty hanging over Mozart's benefactor!

Jenkem Jones and the Bottles of Luxardo

FYC: "Jenkem Jones and the Bottles of Luxardo" - Intrepid 19th century explorer and exotic drug-dealer India 'Jenkem' Jones investigates a ruthless East-end gang of bootleg jenkem manufacturers, who are flooding the European market with unwholesome, less psychedelic jenkem produced from the bowels of London's street urchins, covering up the lack of the distinctive Zambian aroma of the true product from Lusaka by tipping the contents of random spirit bottles into the faecal mixture before fermentation. Queen Victoria, whose stock has been contaminated, has taken to her bed in a fit of deep melancholia and her doctor fears that only genuine jenkem will revive her. Can Jenkem Jones save the Queen, and the Empire? Starring Adrien Brody as the indefatigable man of action and letters.

"Russell's Paradox"

FYC: "Russell's Paradox" - Moving drama starring Vin Diesel as neuro-scientist Dr. Richard Dick and Ben Kingsley as his brain-damaged patient Russell, who is awaiting surgery to treat his debillitating illness - the unshakeable delusion that he has hypochondria.

"A Million Hail Marys: Mothers of the Church"

FYC: "A Million Hail Marys: Mothers of the Church" - In the year 2039, in utero fetus transplantation has become a reality and after being challenged on a live TV debate, the Pope (Bernie Mac) is forced into decreeing that Catholic nuns have to incubate and give birth to unwanted pregnancies that would otherwise be aborted.

"It won't change me..."

FYC: "It won't change me..." - Film documenting the life of a mild-mannered postal worker from Slough after he wins the lottery, divorces his wife and spends the last ten years of his time on earth drinking champagne off the tits of high-class hookers in Monaco and rotting his septum with almost 100% pure Peruvian marching powder. Inspirational.