"Napoleon vs. Predator"

For Your Consideration: "Napoleon vs. Predator" - High-concept prequel to Tolstoy's 'War and Peace'. Starring Vin Diesel as a broken cupboard on the Kuragin estate.

"The Animal Imperative."

For Your Consideration: "The Animal Imperative." - Touching drama about the young Immanuel Kant's romantic obsession with an orangutan in Konigsberg zoo. Based on a true story. Starring Vin Diesel (as Immanuel Kant), Vin Diesel (as Juliette the orangutan), and Vin Diesel (as himself).

ANNOUNCEMENT OF REPERTORY PROGRAMMING

Little Gold Eunuch is proud to announce it will be re-screening a large number of its films for the Academy (this means you!) in the next few weeks.

We will be dredging them from the oldest, most fetid parts of our celluloid bowels, so hopefully it won't be too boring for you...

ULU-CHOD ! Owl-Fucker McGee Goes To Kashmir

FYC: "ULU-CHOD ! Owl-Fucker McGee Goes To Kashmir" - Shot back to back with its predecessor, in this outing McGee's avian rapine almost causes a third Indo-Pakistan war in the volatile, triply-divided valley.

After McGee escapes America, having made a killing on sub-prime loans and having his psychiatrist held as an Al Qaeda agent in Gitmo, the benighted residents of Kashmir enjoy a brief respite from the ongoing conflict when rumours surface of a mysterious stranger offering $68,000 as a bounty for any large owls that can be found and delivered alive - but they must weigh 3kg or over to be big enough for his purposes.

A frenzy of owl-hunting follows, but it turns out that the enigmatic eccentric is even harder to find than giant owls themselves.

The mood swiftly turns both to revulsion, however, when the air is filled with distressed  hooting at unusual times of day, and scores of dead and seriously wounded Bubo bengalensis are found littering the valley with their insides full to the brim with blood and human semen - these owls are not simply being sacrificed for Diwali black-magic, after all.

Indian and Pakistan blame each other for this grotesque violation of majestic regional fauna, and nationalistic tensions run high... can McGee escape before the shelling starts?

BASED ON A TRUE STORY

Owl-Fucker McGee's Great Horn For The Great Horned

FYC: "Owl-Fucker McGee's Great Horn For The Great Horned" - Fresh from his jaunt to Brazil, Owl-Fucker McGee (Jeremy Irons) gives his psychiatrist (Cate Blanchett) the slip and heads to Yellowstone National Park, where he plans to fuck the virgin anuses of as many Bubo virginianus'es as he can before his inevitable recapture. Co-starring Emily Blunt as the conservationist and part-time Park Ranger trying to solve the mystery of who has been putting up giant nets between the trees in the park, and who falls in love with McGee, but can't understand why her affections are unreturned... what will she do when she discovers his dark secret?

The King of Other Worlds

FYC: " The King of Other Worlds " - James Cameron's latest film is his most personal to date, an avant-garde experimental autobiopic in which eschews the spectacle he is so famous for. For three hours we watch Cameron as he wanders alone, naked, through an armoury of loaded high-caliber weapons, and masturbates furiously with them whilst muttering: "I hate you... you're so wrong!" over and over again.

Carry On Auschwitz !

FYC: " Carry On, Auschwitz ! " - Michael Winner's homage to classic British comedy based on a recently discovered script by dead old pervert Sid James, in which he used his art of cretinous sexual farce to come to terms with his place in the Jewish Diaspora and their great tragedy in the 20th century.

Clint Eastwood plays the Sid James part of Josh Rosenberg, a Polish Jew who, in preference to escaping the Nazis, becomes a transvestite so he can be rounded up for the death camps and share a bunk in the women-only dormitories.

Meanwhile, the Kenneth Williams character, played by Brad Pitt, keeps volunteering to help 'erect the guard-towers', Barbara Windsor plays a cameo against type as the camp's Matron, and Keira Knightly shines as an underage Gypsy girl drafted into the Joy Division.

Winner did not ultimately win the Israel Prize he had hoped for with this effort.

Father Christmas' Festive Violation Frenzy

FYC: " Father Christmas' Festive Violation Frenzy " - Pixar genius John Lasseter returns to form with this creepy tale of Saint Nicholas, a grotesque, bizarrely dressed old man who breaks into people's houses in the dead of night to "stuff their stockings".

Bro's Before Ho's

FYC: "Bro's Before Ho's " - Ice Cube's sophomore directorial offering is an 'Urban' adaptation of Eugene O'Neil's 1920 Pulitzer Prize winning play ' Beyond The Horizon ', spiced up for today's young audience with added AK-47's, drug abuse and pole-dancing.

Earthy pragmatist Dre wants nothing more than to take over his father's lap-dancing lounge cum illicit marijuana-farm, keep paying off the pigs, and make Ruby, the star stripper of the club, his bottom-woman. But Ruby is preoccupied with taking care of her crack-addled disabled mother, and only has eyes for Dre's starry-eyed weakling brother Rob, who has just come back from Yale but wants to go exploring  Africa to inspire him to write a hip-hop concept album to be called 'The Mother Land'.

But in a tale of  long-nursed resentments, ironically reversed and frustrated ambitions, and drive-by shootings, everyone either dies slowly from bitter, gnawing depression, or from having a cap put in their ass...

The Littlest Hobo: Sparky's Story

FYC: "The Littlest Hobo: Sparky's Story" - Ang Lee's depressingly literal portmanteau re-imagineering of the classic children's TV series, in which a nomadic piss, vomit and semen-stained alcoholic dwarf-vagrant takes the place of the plucky canine, going from town to town and having adventures with emotionally neglected youngsters, all of whom fall in love with him from the first moment he hides from the cops in their family's back yard, and they ask: "It's so cute - can I keep it, dad? PLEEEEAASE?!"

Sparky quickly warms even the gruffest parents' hearts, and love and laughter are had by all, until he assaults someone's crotch in each inevitable bar brawl, and is forced to skip town yet again, pausing only to burglarize his hosts' home, leaving an empty liquour cabinet and  randomly spiteful souvenir of fresh excretia in the child's bed as the only evidence of his visit...

Spazmo Sunday

FYC: "Spazmo Sunday" - Sacrilegious sequel to 'Freaky Friday', the Disney hit that was made three times too many. Catholic priest Father Gilroy has been molesting his choir boys for many years, and has been especially keen on abusing cherubic-faced Tommy Dolan. But one Sunday Mass, just before Gilroy is going to 'annoint his holy water' on the boys in his weekly 'special service', Tommy fervently prays to Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception to swap bodies with the pederast cleric, and lo and behold, his prayers are answered!

Comedic rape hi-jinks aplenty ensue, as Tommy revenge-buggers the priest possessing his body mercilessly and drinks the whole supply of communion wine, before realising that he will eventually have to return to his body, and mustn't perforate his own anus too badly.

Clear Freedom

FYC: "Clear Freedom" - Tom Cruise directs and stars in CGI black-face as Nelson Mandela in this deeply misguided and highly counter-factual bid for Academy recognition and artistic riposte to 'The Master'.

Co-starring John Travolta as saffer Scientology hero John McMasters and Jack Black as L Ron Hubbard, who nobly 'clear' the young Mandela of his Engrams in his jail cell through Dianetic telepathy, all the while cleverly allaying suspicions by sending letters of vociferous support for Apartheid and offers of assistance to the South African regime, and declaring the sub-humanity of 'Bantus'.

Hubbard and McMaster's brilliant strategy of outwardly appearing to be evil, racist, unscrupulous, crazy and power-hungry bastards works, and after only thirty years Mandela is able to finally break down the walls of Apartheid and his reactive mind after reaching Operating Thetan Level 3.

The film ironically created a surge in the need for psychiatric medication in South Africa.

Owl-Fucker McGee Goes To Brazil

FYC: "Owl-Fucker McGee Goes To Brazil" - Jeremy Irons returns for more nocturnal adventures in the next installment of this disturbing series of avian erotic-thrillers. Owl-Fucker McGee ventures to Recife to fuck some Pygmy Owls before they are all driven to extinction, inevitably pushing them further to the brink. But there he encounters some unscrupulous Malaysian poachers who want to capture and package the last fifty of these exotic birds as Hoi-sin Crispy Owl for a well-heeled South East Asian gourmand (Chow Yun Fat). Will McGee be able to stop them, or at least fuck some of the diminutive owls first? And can he stay one step ahead of his dastardly ocean-crossing psychiatrist (Cate Blanchett), all too eager to administer a depot of Risperidone?