My Heart Will Go Off

FYC: "My Heart Will Go Off" - Documentary about Switzerland's White Shroud Line euthanasia cruise ships which give their terminally diseased wealthy clients a luxurious and historically accurate recreation of the voyage of the infamous Titanic.

Richard Branson's Flaming Cosmic Karaoke

FYC: "Richard Branson's Flaming Cosmic Karaoke" - Documentary by Werner Herzog about the ill-fated inaugural passenger flight of Virgin Galactic, in which Sir Richard Branson accidentally strayed in an unstable orbit after a suborbital fuel explosion. The world listened live in horror over the internet as Branson repeatedly sang a vocal rendition of Tubular Bells whilst his orbit slowly decayed into an ever more fiery death.

2001 - A Peckham Odyssey

FYC: "2001 - A Peckham Odyssey" - Kenneth Anger's swan-song was also his most bizarre and excrutiating film to date. The film consists of Kubrick's 2001 - A Space Odyssey with all the dialog replaced with random lines from the Christmas finale of much-loved early 90s low budget British 'race' sitcom Desmond's.

How It Crumbles

FYC: "How It Crumbles" - Thriller in the vein of The Parallax View starring Vin Diesel as an intrepid New York Post journalist, Francois "Frank" Le Sida, who discovers that American consumer financial sentiment, and therefore the entire economy of the world, is being manipulated by a sinister Taiwanese baking consortium through its selection of semi-coherent messages in fortune cookies. Can Frank survive kung-fu proficient corporate press-officers and a gas chamber flooded with a vaguely unpleasant sort-of vanilla essence? Also starring Vin Diesel as a rice cooker.

Abominable

FYC: "Abominable" - Action-horror film written and produced by Luc Besson.  Vin Diesel stars as Duke Gasolina, an alcoholic itinerant clown who has to save a small Iowa town from ruthless Chinese gangsters and a horde of bullet-proof yetis during a snow-storm.

But the Triads and the snow-beasts aren't counting on Duke's having training as a former Navy S.E.A.L. ,  and the assistance of a plucky youngster who knows all the back alleys and local caves like the back of her hand. Directed by Uwe Boll with his usual trademark aplomb. Music by Robert Cobert.

Life's Little Head Fucks

FYC: "Life's Little Head Fucks" - Studio Ghibli's formally challenging misfire, infamous for its Psycho-like twist, which ultimately led psychiatrists in Tokyo to diagnose Hayao Miyazaki with sudden onset dementia.

Miku is a sweet but determined girl on the cusp of adolescence, with her head very much in the clouds and her feet very much on the ground. She finds it hard to make friends among the snobbish bullies at her prep school in Sapporo, and fears she will find it even worse in her new environment when her grandmother dies and she and her mother have to move back to small-town Japan.

She soon makes friends with the enchanted kitchen appliances in her new home, who tell her about Kohirakuo, the teenage boy living next door, who hasn't spoken or come out of his room for five years.

Taking pity on him, she starts communicating with him with stories they send each other through paper-planes from their balconies. Eventually, through the healing power of friendship, she coaxes him out of his room.

From then on there is a dramatic change of tone, as first Kohirakuo stoves her head in with a spade and pisses on the corpse before burying it.

Subsequently, everything takes place in a continuous slow-motion shot of Kohirakuo sneaking into babies' bedrooms in the neighborhood and sticking his engorged penis through the fontanels of the infants, turning their craniums into basins full of blood, brains and semen.


On his third such gory outing, he is intercepted by some policemen who riddle his body with bullets.

Surviving The Men-On-Pause

FYC: "Surviving The Men-On-Pause" - Jizztastic sci-fi thriller in the tradition of The Matrix and Vanilla Sky, in which Ryan Gosling stars as Brad Connors, a millionaire playboy who becomes disillusioned of a jet-setting life of endless Hollywood parties, amazing sex with groups of super-models, wining Nobel prizes and saving burning orphanages from rampaging terrorists using his Bruce-Lee-like martial-arts skills and brilliant gunplay.

Brad becomes increasingly morose and pouty, until eventually he is unable to get out of bed, and has even lost his appetite for shagging. In a sudden moment of clarity, he realises his life is a meaningless fiction, and wakes up to find himself in a cybernetic spunk farm, where he and a few thousand other men are kept in pods, milking-tubes harvesting their cocks for semen around the clock.

He breaks free of the facility and finds himself in a nightmare society composed only of women, basically free of brutality and egomania. The handful of men in the pods are being kept in artificial Utopias, unwittingly trading their sperm for blissful paradises where they can indulge as much as they desire in their infantile and irrational fantasies for violence, domination, adoration, and sexual prowess.

Realising what he has been missing all his life, Brad heroically frees his fellow men from the sperm bank, so that together they can rape, subjugate and destroy lots of real women, and each other too.

The film ends happily, all is well with the world, and it is on flames again, and more importantly the bitches know their place.

Lenny Henry's Torture Garden

FYC: "Lenny Henry's Torture Garden" - A change of genre for England's most minstrel-like unfunny funny-man in his sequel to the mind-bending "The Lenny Henry Rum Illusion", eschewing the latter's marine-life based comedy psychedelia and focusing on indescribable horror and the hypocrisies of european 19th century imperialism.

Lenny Henry takes on the mantle of writer/director/producer and stars/transgenders as the ultra-feminine, flame-haired, green-eyed fay English sadist Clara as she revels in the horrible tormentors digging the flesh, sawing the bones, and retracting the skin of the innocent natives with sinister, joyful faces in a Canton Premier Inn, ultimately having an earth-shattering orgasm at the sight of a coolie's viscera being fried in hot oil whilst he is forced to eat hundreds of tiny complimentary soap bars as punishment for asking for free wifi.

Not for the squeamish.

Carry On, Chomsky !

FYC: "Carry On, Chomsky !" - Another lost British comedy classic finally brought to our screens, with Christian Bale starring in place of Sid James as the horny old professor and critic of U.S. foreign policy and state capitalism, Noam Chomsky, as he tries to refine his skills as a 'cunning linguist' on MIT's female undergrads and get them to 'measure [his] column inches' in the hope of setting up an anarcho-syndicalist brothel, and not lose tenure in the process.

But Noam's plans go hilariously, and jizzmatically, awry when Alan Dershowitz sends the seductive Natalie Portman (played by Vin Diesel) to try to convert Chomsky to radical Zionism...

Star Cross'd Lovers

FYC: "Star Cross'd Lovers" - 'Titanic' meets 'Aliens' in James Cameron's genre-bending tale of doomed romance between social classes on an intergalactic cruise ship that becomes overrun with chitinous, vampiric xenomorphs.

Dick Equals Cunt

FYC: "Dick Equals Cunt" - Gus Van Sant's twenty four hour queer-cinema marathon experiment in which the collected filmic works of Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant are subject to LucasFilm's technological wizadry to swap the performances of the bland, posh-ish, floppy-haired, obnoxious, poorly-acting English wankers.

Apart from spicing up the abysmal comedies with a new frisson of gender reversal, everything is exactly the same.

Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!

FYC: "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!"  - Biopic of the colorful Nobel prize winning polymath Dr. Richard Feynman, noted for his brilliant contributions to quantum electrodynamics, the development of the atomic bomb, and later to such concepts as nanotechnology and massively-parallel quantum computing systems. Starring Vin Diesel.

In Search Of Lost Spunk

FYC: "In Search Of Lost Spunk" - Michael Winterbottom's pornographic version of Proust's classic performance-art piece/novel in which Casey Affleck stars as the frustrated author whose entire history of sexual escapades (mostly impotence and masturbation) comes flooding back to his mind after he loses a game of limp biscuit (arranged as a witless and spiteful 'pun' after he and his friends are kicked out of Madeleine de Scudery's salon for drunkeness) and bites into the heavily semen-frosted confection.