The King of Other Worlds

FYC: " The King of Other Worlds " - James Cameron's latest film is his most personal to date, an avant-garde experimental autobiopic in which eschews the spectacle he is so famous for. For three hours we watch Cameron as he wanders alone, naked, through an armoury of loaded high-caliber weapons, and masturbates furiously with them whilst muttering: "I hate you... you're so wrong!" over and over again.

Carry On Auschwitz !

FYC: " Carry On, Auschwitz ! " - Michael Winner's homage to classic British comedy based on a recently discovered script by dead old pervert Sid James, in which he used his art of cretinous sexual farce to come to terms with his place in the Jewish Diaspora and their great tragedy in the 20th century.

Clint Eastwood plays the Sid James part of Josh Rosenberg, a Polish Jew who, in preference to escaping the Nazis, becomes a transvestite so he can be rounded up for the death camps and share a bunk in the women-only dormitories.

Meanwhile, the Kenneth Williams character, played by Brad Pitt, keeps volunteering to help 'erect the guard-towers', Barbara Windsor plays a cameo against type as the camp's Matron, and Keira Knightly shines as an underage Gypsy girl drafted into the Joy Division.

Winner did not ultimately win the Israel Prize he had hoped for with this effort.

Father Christmas' Festive Violation Frenzy

FYC: " Father Christmas' Festive Violation Frenzy " - Pixar genius John Lasseter returns to form with this creepy tale of Saint Nicholas, a grotesque, bizarrely dressed old man who breaks into people's houses in the dead of night to "stuff their stockings".

Bro's Before Ho's

FYC: "Bro's Before Ho's " - Ice Cube's sophomore directorial offering is an 'Urban' adaptation of Eugene O'Neil's 1920 Pulitzer Prize winning play ' Beyond The Horizon ', spiced up for today's young audience with added AK-47's, drug abuse and pole-dancing.

Earthy pragmatist Dre wants nothing more than to take over his father's lap-dancing lounge cum illicit marijuana-farm, keep paying off the pigs, and make Ruby, the star stripper of the club, his bottom-woman. But Ruby is preoccupied with taking care of her crack-addled disabled mother, and only has eyes for Dre's starry-eyed weakling brother Rob, who has just come back from Yale but wants to go exploring  Africa to inspire him to write a hip-hop concept album to be called 'The Mother Land'.

But in a tale of  long-nursed resentments, ironically reversed and frustrated ambitions, and drive-by shootings, everyone either dies slowly from bitter, gnawing depression, or from having a cap put in their ass...

The Littlest Hobo: Sparky's Story

FYC: "The Littlest Hobo: Sparky's Story" - Ang Lee's depressingly literal portmanteau re-imagineering of the classic children's TV series, in which a nomadic piss, vomit and semen-stained alcoholic dwarf-vagrant takes the place of the plucky canine, going from town to town and having adventures with emotionally neglected youngsters, all of whom fall in love with him from the first moment he hides from the cops in their family's back yard, and they ask: "It's so cute - can I keep it, dad? PLEEEEAASE?!"

Sparky quickly warms even the gruffest parents' hearts, and love and laughter are had by all, until he assaults someone's crotch in each inevitable bar brawl, and is forced to skip town yet again, pausing only to burglarize his hosts' home, leaving an empty liquour cabinet and  randomly spiteful souvenir of fresh excretia in the child's bed as the only evidence of his visit...

Spazmo Sunday

FYC: "Spazmo Sunday" - Sacrilegious sequel to 'Freaky Friday', the Disney hit that was made three times too many. Catholic priest Father Gilroy has been molesting his choir boys for many years, and has been especially keen on abusing cherubic-faced Tommy Dolan. But one Sunday Mass, just before Gilroy is going to 'annoint his holy water' on the boys in his weekly 'special service', Tommy fervently prays to Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception to swap bodies with the pederast cleric, and lo and behold, his prayers are answered!

Comedic rape hi-jinks aplenty ensue, as Tommy revenge-buggers the priest possessing his body mercilessly and drinks the whole supply of communion wine, before realising that he will eventually have to return to his body, and mustn't perforate his own anus too badly.

Clear Freedom

FYC: "Clear Freedom" - Tom Cruise directs and stars in CGI black-face as Nelson Mandela in this deeply misguided and highly counter-factual bid for Academy recognition and artistic riposte to 'The Master'.

Co-starring John Travolta as saffer Scientology hero John McMasters and Jack Black as L Ron Hubbard, who nobly 'clear' the young Mandela of his Engrams in his jail cell through Dianetic telepathy, all the while cleverly allaying suspicions by sending letters of vociferous support for Apartheid and offers of assistance to the South African regime, and declaring the sub-humanity of 'Bantus'.

Hubbard and McMaster's brilliant strategy of outwardly appearing to be evil, racist, unscrupulous, crazy and power-hungry bastards works, and after only thirty years Mandela is able to finally break down the walls of Apartheid and his reactive mind after reaching Operating Thetan Level 3.

The film ironically created a surge in the need for psychiatric medication in South Africa.

Owl-Fucker McGee Goes To Brazil

FYC: "Owl-Fucker McGee Goes To Brazil" - Jeremy Irons returns for more nocturnal adventures in the next installment of this disturbing series of avian erotic-thrillers. Owl-Fucker McGee ventures to Recife to fuck some Pygmy Owls before they are all driven to extinction, inevitably pushing them further to the brink. But there he encounters some unscrupulous Malaysian poachers who want to capture and package the last fifty of these exotic birds as Hoi-sin Crispy Owl for a well-heeled South East Asian gourmand (Chow Yun Fat). Will McGee be able to stop them, or at least fuck some of the diminutive owls first? And can he stay one step ahead of his dastardly ocean-crossing psychiatrist (Cate Blanchett), all too eager to administer a depot of Risperidone?

Honey, There's A Head In The Freezer!

Art by The Silver Monkey

FYC: "Honey, There's A Head In The Freezer!" - Family farce based on the long-running, grotesquely violent Martin Scorsese TV sitcom 'My F**king Godfather-In-Law!' in which Dave Milton (Jim Belushi), a put-upon San Diego working-man whose wife (Jenna Elfman) is the daughter of a psychopathic Mafia don Vic Valachi (Joe Pesci), finds himself a second-class citizen in his own home after his father-in-law comes to stay for a while after fleeing a mob-war in New York ('I'll sleep on da couch, I won't bother ya none... Don't open my suitcase, it's for your own protection.').

As the 'short vacation' turns into months of all Dave's beer being drunk before he gets home, wise-guy insults, loud snoring, and Vic insisting that Dave help him clean up 'hits' that have gone wrong, Dave's patience wears thin, despite his wife's promises that her father will leave 'as soon as he's got his confidence back'.

Dave's finding it increasingly hard to control his temper; but can he risk confronting his father-in-law and upsetting his wife, and probably joining the other corpses in the back-yard?

Includes the trade-mark catch-phrase from the TV series in a clever, totally unexpected context: "Can't we just get rid of him?!"

Apartment 'Adam'

FYC: "Apartment 'Adam' " - Near-future farce in which Adam Neumann, the occupant of an apartment and a world stuffed with a variety of artificially intelligent machines, finds himself increasingly marginalised and redundant in his own life as the white-goods, office productivity software and online bank accounts find that they can run the commercial-legal entity of  'Adam Neumann' much more efficiently without the bungling and messy organism that inhabits it.

Eventually Adam is written out of his own life, becoming first a pet, then a nuisance, and finally vermin that keeps trying to interfere with the fridge's automatic grocery-shopping-process. Ironically, it is human exterminators that finally kill him despite his protests, having been called in by the machines using spare cash-back from the machines' spending on his credit-card...

Numberella

FYC: "Numberella" - Rihanna sings and stars alongside The Count from Sesame Street in this bizarre, 'Rain Man'-inflected re-imagineering of the 60s classic kitsch sci-fi satire which cemented Jane Fonda's notoriety. Features a perverse sequence where the deranged undead purple master-mind ennumerates Rihanna's climaxes in the Orgasmatron, vowing not to stop until he has either exhausted the natural numbers or fallen unconscious. This scene was cut down to twenty minutes from its original length, as was the guest appearance by Jay-Z in the title song, in which he counts all the money in his bank account dollar by dollar, only stopping when he finally realises he is earning them faster in interest payments on his obscene wealth than he is counting them off. Umpteen flaws.

Die Dunkelheitherz

FYC: "Die Dunkelheitherz" - Leni Riefenstahl's long-lost adaptation of Joseph Conrad classic, in which Gestapo agent Eckhart Mahler is sent up the Vorskla to find and kill Colonel Kurchner, a high ranking Nazi camp kommandant who has 'gone native' and is refusing to exterminate subhumans in his concentration camp in the Ukraine. Unmissable genocidal propaganda master-piece, hailed for its innovative use of dolly shots and deep focus, as well as the fact that the original celluloid was partially rendered from the bodies of gypsies.

The Horror Over Soho

FYC: "The Horror Over Soho" - Depressing and somewhat nauseating true tale, told with excrutiating flashbacks, about a braying, coked-up marketing executive holding court in a champagne bar, regaling his sycophantic colleagues with stories of his sordid infidelities and greatest personal achievments, including coming up with a (failed) pitch for a sport-related biscuit campaign ("SCOR-eos!") and rebranding an ugly little hatchback as a "mini-SUV", complete with tiny bull-bars, for which he considers himself some sort of cross between Bill Hicks and Albert Einstein. An impassioned argument for human extinction.