"Pedro the Pedo"

FYC: "Pedro the Pedo" - Heart-warming tale about a racist young Tea-Party activist who hates immigrants so much, he decides to take one for the team by assuming an identity as a gay murderous Mexican child-molester, crossing into Mexico and then wet-backing into Texas where he will live out his life washing dishes at Denny's and skulking around playgrounds, until he is finally brought to justice and executed, in the hope of creating a wave of anti-immigration rioting, staying in character till the end. Famous for the stirring voice-over as he sits awaiting justice, in which he explains that the children's sacrifice will not be in vain, and that "...those beautiful American angels were corn-holed and killed by me to defend the spirit of the Founding Fathers."

Starring Christian Bale as 'Pedro' and Danny De Vito as the Latino hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold who protects him when arrives barefoot and hungry in he Houston after crossing over, whom he promptly drops a dime on to the immigration authorities. Also starring Vin Diesel as a steel fence-post at the border.

The Preposition

FYC: "The Preposition" - Bernt Capra's follow-up to the antipodean festival-darling famously penned-by Nick Cave, in which a Victorian linguist undertakes doctoral research comparing Aboriginal syntactic structures. Involves considerably less torture and rape than its predecessor, excepting the ending in which the linguist's pregnant wife's stomach is bayonated by a bandit who then fucks the hole until she dies.

Baphomet and Cthulhu Get The Munchies

FYC: "Baphomet and Cthulhu Get The Munchies" -  described in Variety as " 'Cloverfield' meets 'Cheech and Chong' ", this is a surreal road-trip in which the two Old friends/rivals are woken from their awful slumbers when Google starts machine-translating archaelogical documents in order to show off their new technology, and a user accidentally uses the 'say aloud' function on the most-dread spell of The Necronomicon.

The duo head their way across North America, causing hysterical psychosis and gobbling-up as many people as they can, before finally being exorcised by a Thelemite sex-magick ritual involving the Pope, the Dalai Lama, Stephen Hawking and Bill O' Reilly, depicted in excrutiating detail.

Available in some theatres in non-Euclidean 3D and featuring a musical number involving an alligator-shaped piano and Stephen Hawking's computer singing the song "It's a cook-book!".

Secretary 2: A Short Film About Bile and Jism

FYC: "Secretary 2: A Short Film About Bile and Jism" - Krzysztof Kieslowski's straight-to-DVD social-realist sequel to the well-received erotic comedy from 2002. Scarlett Johansson plays an office admin assistant starting to feel her biological-clock ticking and her career flat-lining - feelings she tries to numb through excessive consumption of Bacardi Breezers and flirting with her unhappily married boss.

Things come to a head when she gets wasted at the office Christmas party and tries to seduce him, only to realise that he's a closet homosexual and she winds up fellating a sweaty salesman in the stockroom before vomitting on his shoes and crying for an hour.

No Win, No Fee

FYC: "No Win, No Fee" - Uwe Boll's meditative adaptation of John Grisham's long-suppressed abortive debut thriller. Daniel Malwell (Vin Diesel) is an idealistic young lawyer who scored 189 on his MBE and subsequently had his pick of placements, but the prestigous law firm (specialising in unpaid professional wrestling fees) that he chooses turns out to be a hive of villainy and corruption, frequently over-charging the number of billable hours and playing fast and loose with taxi expenses.

Appalled by the darkness he has found in the heart of the American legal system, Daniel finds both his moral and metaphysical certainties shaken to the core, ultimately descending into madness and suing himself for his own unpaid legal fees.

"My Little Pony: Friendship is Manic-Depressive"

FYC: "My Little Pony: Friendship is Manic-Depressive" - Kyle MacLachlan plays Twilight Sparkle, a unicorn pony sent by the ruler of Equestria to the town of Ponyville to study the magic of friendship in this update of the "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" formula.

Initially, the unicorn's new home seems idyllic; all is not well in Ponyville, however, and the dream begins to corrode into a nightmare as the sinister pony Nightmare Moon starts to appear with increasing frequency, spreading everlasting night and infecting her new found pony friends with the curse of talking backwards.

As Twillight Sparkle stays up past bedtime trying to defeat the strange menace, she becomes dangerously addicted to illicit caffeine, buying vast quantities from a seedy and violent pimp (played by Gary Oldman).

The more she drinks, the more hears the terrifying clanking and screaming of tortured industrial machinery, seeing visions in the clouds of milk in her coffee as the lights flicker ominously.

Eventually her reality breaks down and she realises she is in fact a deformed male vagrant who has been performing a one man show of Russian Roulette in exchange for PCP once a night on a stage for the entertainment of the clients of a brothel.

He realises then that he is escaping from the guilt of killing his daughter in a traffic accident, and his, and the audience's misery is finally ended when he blows his head off.

This much-misunderstood partial animation has proved to be David Lynch's least critically acclaimed film since Dune.

M Night Shyamalan's 'The Banshee'

FYC: "M Night Shyamalan's 'The Banshee' " - *WARNING - contains spoilers*  A young couple (Justin Timberlake and Angelina Jolie) move into an upmarket Manhattan apartment after inheriting a tidy estate from the tragic deaths of their parents, but are soon reduced to abject terror by unnatural shrieking that emanates at all hours, forcing them to question the guilt that haunts them, their sanity and ultimately the nature of reality itself. The priest they eventually call in exorcise the apartment on the 40th floor defenestrates himself after a night of the horrible moans, piercing wails and Cthulhoid gibberings, and it is left to a wise, spiritual black janitor (Will Smith) to help them solve the riddle... The trademark twist reveals that Yoko Ono has moved into the next door apartment and is recording her new album of classic Motown covers, and the only thing the couple can do to end their horrible ordeal is invest in sound insulation and construction workers' industrial grade ear-muffs.

"L'Attaque de Sloth"

FYC: "L'Attaque de Sloth" - Existential monster movie based on recently discovered notes made by Jean-Paul Sartre for his first novel. Jacques is a morbid and apathetic young academic, overwhelmed with feelings of disgust at his fellow man. When a sloth at the Paris zoo accidentally swallows a piece of uranium and mutates to giant size, the city is subject to a slow-moving but awful terror as the beast perambulates the arrondisements, eating buildings, parked cars and invalids. The French army are unable to dispatch the unholy monster and evacuate Paris. However, Jaques refuses to leave the cafe he loathes on the Seine, subsisting on a diet of Gitanes and soured red wine, despite the periodical remonstrations of his acquaintances who come back to the city in an attempt to save him from the furry menace, whom he insults until they leave him to his fate of being very, very, slowly eaten. Starring Ryan Gosling as Jacques and Vin Diesel as L'Arc de Triomphe.

"Walt Disney's 'Sex Dwarf' "

FYC:  "Walt Disney's 'Sex Dwarf' " - The world's most famous animation studio returns to charmingly hand-drawn cel-animation to bring to life Marc Almond's classic 80s fairy-tale of a beautiful, innocent young boy and a rich, degenerate old man who inducts him into a world of Hi-NRG clubbing, group BDSM sex and chronic MDMA abuse, before throwing him away like a used Kleenex after he has developed wrinkles, psychosis and AIDS. Featuring the vocal talents of Daniel Radcliffe as The Sex Dwarf, John Travolta as The Old Roue, and Vin Diesel as The Dumb Chauffeur.

"Dark Knight Fi Dead"

FYC: "Dark Knight Fi Dead" - A rare tropical outing for Bob Kane's vigilante as he follows the Joker from frosty Gotham to sunny Jamaica when he discovers the criminal master-mind is heavily involved with cocaine smuggling, money laundering and corrupt bauxite magnates and politicians in the Carribean. At first the World's Greatest Detective's breed of frontier justice is welcomed with open arms by the locals, but when wildly popular homophobic reggae DJ Sizzla's exhortation to "Murder all batty-man dem!" is misheard due to a defective speaker, the Caped Crusader finds there is an ugly side to the paradise island...

Confessions of a Bungee Suicide Rapist

FYC: "Confessions of a Bungee Suicide Rapist" - Aerial sodomy snuffumentary about an extreme-porn producer who sets a camera up on the Golden Gate bridge, and installs a Viagra-powered round-the-clock rapist attached to bungee cord on the struts below, ready to pounce on the deppressives attempting suicide off the side of the bridge. After each violent, frantic mid-air mating, the violated depressive is let loose to complete their attempt. Famous for being the only film the ACLU would not defend.

"The Lent Enema Murders."

FYC - "The Lent Enema Murders." Slow existential serial-killer film based on Ingmar Bergman's unfinished attempt at a commercial Hollywood script. Bruno is a young actor traumatised by his upbringing with an overbearing mother, a former nun who believed mostly in floggings, incoherent, fervently-babbled prayer, and anal douches. After she falls down a well in an attempt to rescue a chicken, Bruno slowly descends into psychosis, seeing visions of her in the shape of an angry, floating ash-tray. He can only stop the shouting of its silent voice temproarily through committing enema murder, and soon Sweden is in a paranoid hysteria over the killings, with neighbour denouncing neighbour and vigilante mobs lynching any innocent pharmacist who stocks rubber tubing. As Bruno's psychosis deepens, his outrages escalate, until eventually he kidnaps the head of the Swedish tax authorities and locks him in a closet in a basement with a hose plugged into his anus, slowly swelling his colon with water, and holds the authorities to ransom for a shipping container full of butterflies. Culminates in the deeply affecting line that has become a catchphrase in Sweden and France: "Mamma, din slyna, dör jag!".

"You Are What You Eat"

FYC: "You Are What You Eat" - Prequel to the hit film 'Man in the Mirror'. Milos Forman's opus about a jaded gourmand who invents a time-machine in order to go into the future and kill, cook and eat himself... but his future self has other ideas! Starring Ed Norton.