Sunday, 29 December 2013

The Disintegration of Hélène 'Cock Puncher' Stromboli

FYC: "The Disintegration of Hélène 'Cock Puncher' Stromboli" - Brooding and depressing French meditation on morality and gender politics by the director of Amour.

Sophisticated middle-aged dominatrix Hélène Stromboli, acknowledged by the fetishists of Paris as the best cock puncher in the business, finds her world turned upside down when the beautiful young Natalie approaches her with a strange request; rather than seeking to learn the secrets of cock punching herself, she instead asks to hire Stromboli to punch her in the twat.

This causes Hélène to spiral in to a maelstrom of confusion and apathy, and to reflect on her marriage, career, and motherhood. Can she punch a woman in the twat? Should she? DARE she..?

Friday, 1 November 2013

The Glass Ceiling

FYC: "The Glass Ceiling" - Futuristic, mind-bending tale in which a director makes a slightly intellectually ambitious film which does not feature music by Philip Glass, the first such film in seventy years, causing an outbreak of mass confusion and hysteria.

Score by Philip Glass.

Monday, 28 October 2013

Stuck Together

FYC: "Stuck Together" - A teen neo-Nazi punk becomes possessed by the ghost of an old Russian Jewish immigrant victim of the 1908 Boston fire, which started in the Boston Blacking Company and ravaged Boston's Chelsea district, after sniffing too many haunted glue sticks made by its successor company Bostik. Heartwarming bonding ensues.

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Turdburglar Hill, a.k.a. Purple Heart-Break

FYC: "Turdburglar Hill", a.k.a. "Purple Heart-Break" - Brokeback Mountain meets Platoon in this miscalculated attempt at both Oscar-bait and self-rehabilitation from his homophobic reputation by Rush Hour director Brett Ratner involving a steamy love triangle between Joaquin Phoenix's green-horn squad lieutenant, Ving Rhames' stoic but sly sergeant and Jet Li's inscrutable Viet-Cong POW.

Hopes of nomination were dashed when Ratner pronounced "I felt it was time to pay tribute to the contribution made to our country by gay servicemen and women and to counter the culture of institutional and casual prejudices that undermine our humanity, and the best way for me to do that was through the healing medium of storytelling entertainment [...] and with Rush Hour I've shown that I can entertain better than anyone... just give me a gook and a nigger and a couple of action sequences and I'm good to go."

Monday, 21 October 2013

The Gu Identity

FYC: "The Gu Identity" -  Chinese take on the Bourne franchise, in which the rogue element of the glorious Chinese military intelligence service is trying to sabotage the righteous assassinations of scoundrels and agitators against the People's Communist Party.

Amnesiac assassin 'Tommy Gu', who was almost killed by these so-called reformist plotters, must purge the security services of the meddling influence of foreign devils. The film ends with Gu being hailed as a hero and the families of the people he executed having to pay for the bullets. Sponsored by Google.

Sunday, 20 October 2013

Countdown - Long Cuts

FYC: "Countdown - Long Cuts" - Thought long lost, this is the director's cut of one of Robert Altman's earliest films, a ponderous cold-war sci-fi about the race for the moon released a year before the first actual lunar landing. This version primarily restores three hours of extra footage of sixty people talking over each other at Houston mission control and an insipid jazz soundtrack, and also has Altman's secretly filmed alternate ending in which James Caan's lead character uses up all his three hours of oxygen terminally playing the sax on the moon.

Friday, 11 October 2013

Cop Out !

FYC: "Cop Out !" -  Homophobic Paul Rudd comedy in the vein of Police Academy in which a lazy, cowardly, gay detective uses his sexual orientation as an excuse to turn down any difficult or dangerous cases. Prequel to the sci-fi celluloid disaster Spaced Out!

Monday, 7 October 2013

You've got SPAM !

FYC: "You've got SPAM !" - Adam Sandler stars as Joel Pistachio in this feel good fantasy about a man who trades his anal virginity to a filthy, reeking, mysterious hobo (Tom Hanks) in exchange for a magical e-mail account that makes the spam in his inbox come true as long as there is a regular supply of hobo sperm into his dirtbox.

Soon he has the perfect six pack, a giant penis, as much Cialis as he would ever need, discount Rolexes, an uncanny ability to chat up the ladies and US$419,000 gifted to him randomly by the god-fearing relative of a corrupt Nigerian politician. But when a message arrives from the incredibly beautiful daughter of a billionaire who has been abducted and held hostage in Spain, whose identity must remain a secret and whom only Joel can help, the uncanny vagrant disappears, and Joel must find him and keep him from drinking himself to death just long enough to pump him full of putrid tramp jism one last time...

Friday, 13 September 2013


FYC: "Blunder-Cover" - Ben Stiller farce in which nondescript failed thriller writer, Thomas Devizes, is hired by the CIA to pretend to be a disillusioned former CIA agent in order to write and sell a "tell all" autobiography full of totally spurious misinformation about the CIA's operations and procedures. In the inevitable 'twist' clearly signaled about two minutes into the fucking film, he becomes disillusioned of his new job and lifestyle and tries to write and promote a "tell all" about the operation itself, which is widely derided by critics and public alike as a tawdry cash-in sequel. Also starring Vin Diesel as a Washington D.C. tree trunk into which a dead-letter-box has been carved.

Friday, 30 August 2013

Age Is Just A Number

FYC: "Age Is Just A Number" - Roman Polanski's erotic slapstick courtroom dramedy in which a Hindu priest prosecuted for child molestation uses the Rig Veda to come to his defence, arguing that although his victim appeared to be 8 years old, once reincarnation was taken into account she was actually several millennia above the age of consent. Also starring Vin Diesel as the bemused judge's gavel-block.

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

My Heart Will Go Off

FYC: "My Heart Will Go Off" - Documentary about Switzerland's White Shroud Line euthanasia cruise ships which give their terminally diseased wealthy clients a luxurious and historically accurate recreation of the voyage of the infamous Titanic.

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Richard Branson's Flaming Cosmic Karaoke

FYC: "Richard Branson's Flaming Cosmic Karaoke" - Documentary by Werner Herzog about the ill-fated inaugural passenger flight of Virgin Galactic, in which Sir Richard Branson accidentally strayed in an unstable orbit after a suborbital fuel explosion. The world listened live in horror over the internet as Branson repeatedly sang a vocal rendition of Tubular Bells whilst his orbit slowly decayed into an ever more fiery death.

Sunday, 4 August 2013

2001 - A Peckham Odyssey

FYC: "2001 - A Peckham Odyssey" - Kenneth Anger's swan-song was also his most bizarre and excrutiating film to date. The film consists of Kubrick's 2001 - A Space Odyssey with all the dialog replaced with random lines from the Christmas finale of much-loved early 90s low budget British 'race' sitcom Desmond's.

Saturday, 3 August 2013

How It Crumbles

FYC: "How It Crumbles" - Thriller in the vein of The Parallax View starring Vin Diesel as an intrepid New York Post journalist, Francois "Frank" Le Sida, who discovers that American consumer financial sentiment, and therefore the entire economy of the world, is being manipulated by a sinister Taiwanese baking consortium through its selection of semi-coherent messages in fortune cookies. Can Frank survive kung-fu proficient corporate press-officers and a gas chamber flooded with a vaguely unpleasant sort-of vanilla essence? Also starring Vin Diesel as a rice cooker.

Tuesday, 30 July 2013


FYC: "Abominable" - Action-horror film written and produced by Luc Besson.  Vin Diesel stars as Duke Gasolina, an alcoholic itinerant clown who has to save a small Iowa town from ruthless Chinese gangsters and a horde of bullet-proof yetis during a snow-storm.

But the Triads and the snow-beasts aren't counting on Duke's having training as a former Navy S.E.A.L. ,  and the assistance of a plucky youngster who knows all the back alleys and local caves like the back of her hand. Directed by Uwe Boll with his usual trademark aplomb. Music by Robert Cobert.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

Life's Little Head Fucks

FYC: "Life's Little Head Fucks" - Studio Ghibli's formally challenging misfire, infamous for its Psycho-like twist, which ultimately led psychiatrists in Tokyo to diagnose Hayao Miyazaki with sudden onset dementia.

Miku is a sweet but determined girl on the cusp of adolescence, with her head very much in the clouds and her feet very much on the ground. She finds it hard to make friends among the snobbish bullies at her prep school in Sapporo, and fears she will find it even worse in her new environment when her grandmother dies and she and her mother have to move back to small-town Japan.

She soon makes friends with the enchanted kitchen appliances in her new home, who tell her about Kohirakuo, the teenage boy living next door, who hasn't spoken or come out of his room for five years.

Taking pity on him, she starts communicating with him with stories they send each other through paper-planes from their balconies. Eventually, through the healing power of friendship, she coaxes him out of his room.

From then on there is a dramatic change of tone, as first Kohirakuo stoves her head in with a spade and pisses on the corpse before burying it.

Subsequently, everything takes place in a continuous slow-motion shot of Kohirakuo sneaking into babies' bedrooms in the neighborhood and sticking his engorged penis through the fontanels of the infants, turning their craniums into basins full of blood, brains and semen.

On his third such gory outing, he is intercepted by some policemen who riddle his body with bullets.

Friday, 12 July 2013

Surviving The Men-On-Pause

FYC: "Surviving The Men-On-Pause" - Jizztastic sci-fi thriller in the tradition of The Matrix and Vanilla Sky, in which Ryan Gosling stars as Brad Connors, a millionaire playboy who becomes disillusioned of a jet-setting life of endless Hollywood parties, amazing sex with groups of super-models, wining Nobel prizes and saving burning orphanages from rampaging terrorists using his Bruce-Lee-like martial-arts skills and brilliant gunplay.

Brad becomes increasingly morose and pouty, until eventually he is unable to get out of bed, and has even lost his appetite for shagging. In a sudden moment of clarity, he realises his life is a meaningless fiction, and wakes up to find himself in a cybernetic spunk farm, where he and a few thousand other men are kept in pods, milking-tubes harvesting their cocks for semen around the clock.

He breaks free of the facility and finds himself in a nightmare society composed only of women, basically free of brutality and egomania. The handful of men in the pods are being kept in artificial Utopias, unwittingly trading their sperm for blissful paradises where they can indulge as much as they desire in their infantile and irrational fantasies for violence, domination, adoration, and sexual prowess.

Realising what he has been missing all his life, Brad heroically frees his fellow men from the sperm bank, so that together they can rape, subjugate and destroy lots of real women, and each other too.

The film ends happily, all is well with the world, and it is on flames again, and more importantly the bitches know their place.

Thursday, 11 July 2013

Lenny Henry's Torture Garden

FYC: "Lenny Henry's Torture Garden" - A change of genre for England's most minstrel-like unfunny funny-man in his sequel to the mind-bending "The Lenny Henry Rum Illusion", eschewing the latter's marine-life based comedy psychedelia and focusing on indescribable horror and the hypocrisies of european 19th century imperialism.

Lenny Henry takes on the mantle of writer/director/producer and stars/transgenders as the ultra-feminine, flame-haired, green-eyed fay English sadist Clara as she revels in the horrible tormentors digging the flesh, sawing the bones, and retracting the skin of the innocent natives with sinister, joyful faces in a Canton Premier Inn, ultimately having an earth-shattering orgasm at the sight of a coolie's viscera being fried in hot oil whilst he is forced to eat hundreds of tiny complimentary soap bars as punishment for asking for free wifi.

Not for the squeamish.

Monday, 1 July 2013

Carry On, Chomsky !

FYC: "Carry On, Chomsky !" - Another lost British comedy classic finally brought to our screens, with Christian Bale starring in place of Sid James as the horny old professor and critic of U.S. foreign policy and state capitalism, Noam Chomsky, as he tries to refine his skills as a 'cunning linguist' on MIT's female undergrads and get them to 'measure [his] column inches' in the hope of setting up an anarcho-syndicalist brothel, and not lose tenure in the process.

But Noam's plans go hilariously, and jizzmatically, awry when Alan Dershowitz sends the seductive Natalie Portman (played by Vin Diesel) to try to convert Chomsky to radical Zionism...

Sunday, 23 June 2013

Star Cross'd Lovers

FYC: "Star Cross'd Lovers" - 'Titanic' meets 'Aliens' in James Cameron's genre-bending tale of doomed romance between social classes on an intergalactic cruise ship that becomes overrun with chitinous, vampiric xenomorphs.

Saturday, 22 June 2013

Dick Equals Cunt

FYC: "Dick Equals Cunt" - Gus Van Sant's twenty four hour queer-cinema marathon experiment in which the collected filmic works of Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant are subject to LucasFilm's technological wizadry to swap the performances of the bland, posh-ish, floppy-haired, obnoxious, poorly-acting English wankers.

Apart from spicing up the abysmal comedies with a new frisson of gender reversal, everything is exactly the same.

Saturday, 15 June 2013

Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!

FYC: "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!"  - Biopic of the colorful Nobel prize winning polymath Dr. Richard Feynman, noted for his brilliant contributions to quantum electrodynamics, the development of the atomic bomb, and later to such concepts as nanotechnology and massively-parallel quantum computing systems. Starring Vin Diesel.

Sunday, 9 June 2013

In Search Of Lost Spunk

FYC: "In Search Of Lost Spunk" - Michael Winterbottom's pornographic version of Proust's classic performance-art piece/novel in which Casey Affleck stars as the frustrated author whose entire history of sexual escapades (mostly impotence and masturbation) comes flooding back to his mind after he loses a game of limp biscuit (arranged as a witless and spiteful 'pun' after he and his friends are kicked out of Madeleine de Scudery's salon for drunkeness) and bites into the heavily semen-frosted confection.

Monday, 13 May 2013

Down and Out in Washington, D.C.

FYC: "Down and Out in Washington, D.C." - Sean Penn stars and directs in magic-realist fable in the tradition of Jerzy Kosinski, Paulo Coelho and Frank Capra in which Adam Panandros, a learning-disabled homosexual, is goaded into running for the presidency as a joke by vicious internet trolls... but soon it is Adam who is laughing, as he somehow wins over the hardest hearts in America and becomes a front-runner on a simple platform of his natural innocence and warmth... and his stock answer to all questions of "SMILES AND HUGS!"

The National Down Syndrome Society has called the film "patronisingly offensive at best" and urged a boycott, but Penn has argued that he is promoting inclusiveness and portraying a positive role-model for the learning disabled - in an effort to prove his sincerity and deflect criticism, he has vowed to stay in character as 'Adam' until he wins an Oscar.

Sunday, 12 May 2013

Tunnel of Love

FYC: "Tunnel of Love" - Tragi-comic hijinks in Hampstead as a bungling necrophile ring uses a secret abandoned nuclear bunker to dig passages under Highgate cemetery so they can stealthily procure and violate its famous deceased residents' corpses without detection.

But their nocturnal shenanigans take a dangerous and unexpected turn when, unbeknownst to our protagonists, Levi Roots has to find a quick dumping ground for a toxic batch of Reggae-Reggae Sauce, and chances upon the bunker... Will the necrophiles get to have their way with Karl Marx's skeleton and escape before they drown in sub-standard jerk marinade?

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

"James Bond: Slatch For Yesterday"

FYC: "James Bond: Slatch For Yesterday" - Another thrilling realist outing for the world's favourite spy, as he spends four days puking and shitting himself in a Mumbai hotel room after getting heat-exhaustion, culminating in a tense four hour wait for a delivery boy to give him a SIM card from a cell phone that once may have been borrowed by a rogue Pakistani ISS agent. But back in the UK, will Q be able to work out which of the numbers on the call log belongs to the terrorists, or will he simply supply all four hundred numbers to the USA and have them order the Indians to just round everyone up for rendition to Gitmo?

Monday, 22 April 2013


FYC: "Software" - When a rogue Free-Software hacker known only as 'Gnudity' starts releasing plans for 3D-printing parts of an artificially-intelligent robot sex doll, enraged organised criminals from around the world fear the demise of the world's oldest profession. They decide to put aside their differences to band together and hunt down and exterminate GNUdity before he perfects his (or is it her?) open-source cybernetic twat...

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Danny Satchmo

FYC: "Danny Satchmo" - Long-lost Michael Winner treasure from early 70s, in which Charlton Heston stars as a brave Caucasian detective who blacks-up so he can go undercover inside a vicious gang of Negroid hoodlums and rapists called The Jungle Savages.

Monday, 8 April 2013

Dishonor Before Death

FYC: "Dishonor Before Death" - Daniel Day Lewis stars as a C.I.A. psy-ops chief who tries to turn around the fortunes of the War On Terror by leveraging traditional Muslim ideals of honour to demoralise Al Qaeda by assassinating their  leaders in the most grotesquely ignominious ways possible. But what is the most shameful way for an Islamic militant to die?

After the herd of experimental turban-rape pigs are accidentally freed by P.E.T.A. and run amok in a local mosque, the project is almost shut down... But how can the president resist the idea of an elite squad of clown assassins, trained up to Navy S.E.A.L. standards, dropped deep behind enemy lines... "Who, after all Mister President, can kill more silently than a mime? And think how many clowns we can deploy from a very small plane!"

And so a failing circus is secretly recruited for the task of offing the terrorists' number one man, somehwere in deepest Afghanistan...

Arnold Schwarzeneger plays the brain damaged Strong Man, with his vice-like grip of death; Brad Pitt plays the maverick knife thrower who must take over the mission when circus ring-master Tommy Lee Jones falls from the commando-stilts whilst scaling Mullah Omar's compound walls, and Emily Blunt stars as the rookie mime who has to learn to juggle grenades instead of brightly coloured plastic balls.

Also starring Vin Diesel as the tent pole.

Saturday, 30 March 2013

'I'm lovin' it!' - Ronald McDonald's Rufinol Rape Escapades

FYC: " 'I'm lovin' it!' - Ronald McDonald's Rufinol Rape Escapades" - The Hamburglar gets a Big Mac he wasn't bargaining for when he falls into the evil clown's perverse trap.

John Lasseter and Don Thompson thought they had a license to print money with this cynical Pixar/Disney tie-in, but once Gasper Noe took the director's helm he made significant script changes to the original family-friendly animation project and was fired half way through.

Despite detailed guidance from Pixar chief-brass, Noe's replacement Todd Solondz was inexplicably unable to get the film back to a sub NC-17 rating.

Thursday, 21 March 2013

PBR Jihad!

FYC: "PBR Jihad!" - Joaquin Phoenix's directorial debut is an updated version of 'Quadrophenia', in which instead of Mods with scooters versus Rockers with leather jackets, there are hipsters on Segways versus Islamists with Semtex vests, transplanted from trendy Brighton beach to anonymous Lancashire shit-tip Morecambe Bay.

Two child hood friends are caught up in the intense rivalry - but only one of them is wearing a bomb... Featuring iconic music selected by Pitchfork, and halal silence selected by Mullah Omar.

Monday, 4 March 2013

In 2 Deep

FYC: "In 2 Deep" - Sequel to the wildly popular lethargic extreme sport film "In Deep", in which professional comatosees see how much Propofol they can be injected with and still actually wake up from afterwards.

Vin Diesel stars as young maverick sleeper Butch Octane, who is put through a rigorous training process by a curmudgeonly, Night-Nurse addicted, burned-out ex-sleeper played by Krist Kristofferson, who is haunted by personal demons. Scarlett Johansson plays the  anaesthetist attending to Butch, beneath whose frosty surface lies a yearning, fiery, untamed passion.


Monday, 25 February 2013

Gory Hole a.k.a. Down-Low...

FYC: "Gory Hole" a.k.a. "Down-Low...": - Peter Dinklage stars against type in Terrence Malick's ponderous, post-modernist genre thriller, in which a psychopathic dwarf serial-killer sneaks into gas-station toilets through the window and uses his filed-to-a-point teeth to bite off the cocks of closeted truckers looking to get their usual anonymous blow-jobs through holes in the stall partitions - the unsuspecting victim then usually bleeds to death.

Idris Elba stars as the dignified black detective who tracks the insane murderer to his lair, with Vin Diesel in multiple roles as the pickled phalluses of the mad midget's victims. Based on Umberto Eco's longest work,"Piccolo".

Friday, 22 February 2013

James Bond - Rim of Tedium

FYC: "James Bond: - Rim of Tedium" - Following in the footsteps of last year's relatively unsuccesful "Modicum of Danger", this realist Bond outing sees the indomitable 007 feeling the strain of his thrilling life of espionage, having to stay up till two thirty every night for a month reading stolen corporate sales reports in a rented apartment in Indonesia, being nagged by his wife for missing the children's bed-times and having to queue in the British Consulate for hours like everyone else so as not to blow his cover.

Includes Bond's best gadget to date, an Aston-Martin modified by Q to run on cold-fusion and equipped with rocket-boosters and proton-torpedoes, which Bond has to use to bribe a middle-ranking civil servant into giving him a stack of industrial brochures being considered by Jakarta as part of the equipment procurement process for a hydro-electric dam.

Audiences will be kept on the edge of their seats, wondering to the last moment if Bond will manage to marginally increase a British engineering consortium's chances to participate in the project by arranging some back-handers to local officials...?

Thursday, 21 February 2013

M Night Shyamalan's 'The Banshee'

FYC: "M Night Shyamalan's 'The Banshee' " - *WARNING - contains spoilers*  A young couple (Justin Timberlake and Angelina Jolie) move into an upmarket Manhattan apartment after inheriting a tidy estate from the tragic deaths of their parents, but are soon reduced to abject terror by unnatural shrieking that emanates at all hours, forcing them to question the guilt that haunts them, their sanity and ultimately the nature of reality itself. The priest they eventually call in exorcise the apartment on the 40th floor defenestrates himself after a night of the horrible moans, piercing wails and Cthulhoid gibberings, and it is left to a wise, spiritual black janitor (Will Smith) to help them solve the riddle... The trademark twist reveals that Yoko Ono has moved into the next door apartment and is recording her new album of classic Motown covers, and the only thing the couple can do to end their horrible ordeal is invest in sound insulation and construction workers' industrial grade ear-muffs.

Baphomet and Cthulhu Get The Munchies

FYC: "Baphomet and Cthulhu Get The Munchies" -  described in Variety as " 'Cloverfield' meets 'Cheech and Chong' ", this is a surreal road-trip in which the two Old friends/rivals are woken from their awful slumbers when Google starts machine-translating archaelogical documents in order to show off their new technology, and a user accidentally uses the 'say aloud' function on the most-dread spell of The Necronomicon.

The duo head their way across North America, causing hysterical psychosis and gobbling-up as many people as they can, before finally being exorcised by a Thelemite sex-magick ritual involving the Pope, the Dalai Lama, Stephen Hawking and Bill O' Reilly, depicted in excrutiating detail.

Available in some theatres in non-Euclidean 3D and featuring a musical number involving an alligator-shaped piano and Stephen Hawking's computer singing the song "It's a cook-book!".

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

"L'Attaque de Sloth"

FYC: "L'Attaque de Sloth" - Existential monster movie based on recently discovered notes made by Jean-Paul Sartre for his first novel. Jacques is a morbid and apathetic young academic, overwhelmed with feelings of disgust at his fellow man. When a sloth at the Paris zoo accidentally swallows a piece of uranium and mutates to giant size, the city is subject to a slow-moving but awful terror as the beast perambulates the arrondisements, eating buildings, parked cars and invalids. The French army are unable to dispatch the unholy monster and evacuate Paris. However, Jaques refuses to leave the cafe he loathes on the Seine, subsisting on a diet of Gitanes and soured red wine, despite the periodical remonstrations of his acquaintances who come back to the city in an attempt to save him from the furry menace, whom he insults until they leave him to his fate of being very, very, slowly eaten. Starring Ryan Gosling as Jacques and Vin Diesel as L'Arc de Triomphe.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

"Walt Disney's 'Sex Dwarf' "

FYC:  "Walt Disney's 'Sex Dwarf' " - The world's most famous animation studio returns to charmingly hand-drawn cel-animation to bring to life Marc Almond's classic 80s fairy-tale of a beautiful, innocent young boy and a rich, degenerate old man who inducts him into a world of Hi-NRG clubbing, group BDSM sex and chronic MDMA abuse, before throwing him away like a used Kleenex after he has developed wrinkles, psychosis and AIDS. Featuring the vocal talents of Daniel Radcliffe as The Sex Dwarf, John Travolta as The Old Roue, and Vin Diesel as The Dumb Chauffeur.

Monday, 18 February 2013

"Protocols of the Elders of Zion - The Movie" aka "What Jews Want"

FYC: "Protocols of the Elders of Zion - The Movie" aka "What Jews Want" - Mel Gibson's docu-drama about the world-wide banking and media conspiracy by the Christ-killing Jews to subjugate God's children by any means, including their devious LOTR-style breeding of the black race to use for murdering white people and raping foolish,  immodestly dressed women. Gibson's family have pledged that all profits will go to funding of the heroic doses of thorazine his doctors are administering to him in his new home.

Sunday, 17 February 2013

"There's a party in my pants and you're all invited!"

FYC: "There's a party in my pants and you're all invited!" - 'Bicycle Thieves' director and Oscar winner Vittorio De Sica's 1945 comedy about a perverted clown who travels the remains of the Italian train system, entertaining himself by molesting war-widows and stealing cured meat products which he shares with his dog Adolfo. Infamous for being banned by the authorities on account of its searing symbolic indictment of the preceding reign of Mussolini, criticism of the collusion of the Catholic church and its downbeat depiction of the American led reconstruction, De Sica laid the foundations for his later materpieces, but admitted in interviews that he had made some missteps in this proto-neo-realist lost classic: "La storia di base era buona, tranne per quel maledetto pagliaccio e la scena in cui il cane gobbe cadavere di una monaca!".

Saturday, 16 February 2013

"Dr Who and The Revolutionary Guard"

FYC: "Dr Who and The Revolutionary Guard" - The Time Lord's strangest and most terrifying adventure yet, where he goes to investigate an apparent landing of a Cyberman probe ship in middle-Russia, but accidentally strays over the Iranian border and is captured by the authorities. He is subsequently tortured for twelve months (using his own sonic screwdriver) before being released in exchange for the radioactive parts in K-9, during which time he finds out that the notorious Evin prison in Tehran seems much smaller on the inside than it does from outside...

Friday, 15 February 2013

"Wen did you eat?" a.k.a. "Morbidly Obese"

FYC: "Wen did you eat?" a.k.a. "Morbidly Obese" - Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne's brooding masterpiece on the Kant-ian dichotomy between appearances and reality starts with three out-of-their-depth language students from the provinces of mainland China - Hu, Wen and Wei - arriving at their grim hostel dorm in London's King's Cross. Low on funds, unable to speak the language and with high gastronomic standards, the three slowly starve until they hit on the idea of tailing the incredibly fat man who lives next door to the hostel. Soon they are able to eat well and economically merely by going to the same restaurants as the large gentleman. But little do they know that he is in fact a cannibal - perhaps he is stalking them!?

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Owl-Fucker McGee's Strange Adventures In Time And Space

FYC: "Owl-Fucker McGee's Strange Adventures In Time And Space" - McGee's fanatical psychiatrist manages to have him sectioned indefinitely in a high security psychiatric facility, where he meets a Tesla-like fellow patient who has been filling notebooks with a demented scrawl outlining plans for a time-machine. McGee is intrigued and purchases the designs off the mad Nobel prize laureate for a packet of Sovereign cigarettes and a Mars bar, before completing his inevitable violent escape... with the aid of himself, having come back from the future.

Now assured of time-travelling success , McGee gambles all his reserves on building the machine in an attempt to win the big prize: a shot at fucking the largest owl that ever existed: Ornimegalonyx, the extinct Giant Cuban Land Owl. After briefly popping back a week or so to rescue himself from Broadmoor, McGee sets off for the Caribbean of a long, long, time ago...

This could prove to be McGee's most challenging expedition yet, however; not only is the time-machine fucked on arriving in prehistory (due to the lack of essential GPS satellites for its guidance systems), but McGee finds to his cost that Giant Cuban Land Owls are not only highly intelligent social predators, but also highly perverse sexual predators to boot... has the hunter finally become the hunted?!

Secretary 2: A Short Film About Bile and Jism

FYC Valentine Special: "Secretary 2: A Short Film About Bile and Jism" - Krzysztof Kieslowski's straight-to-DVD social-realist sequel to the well-received erotic comedy from 2002. Scarlett Johansson plays an office admin assistant starting to feel her biological-clock ticking and her career flat-lining - feelings she tries to numb through excessive consumption of Bacardi Breezers and flirting with her unhappily married boss.

Things come to a head when she gets wasted at the office Christmas party and tries to seduce him, only to realise that he's a closet homosexual and she winds up fellating a sweaty salesman in the stockroom before vomitting on his shoes and crying for an hour.

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

"Plato vs The Martians: Cave of Shadows"

FYC: "Plato vs The Martians: Cave of Shadows" - Faithful adaptation of 'The Republic' by the team who brought you 'The Three Musketeers 3D', in which the father of Western philosophy is the only man who can defeat the Martian invasion fleet - but first he must escape their underground prison, and rescue the Princess of the World of Forms. However, the Martians have a powerful ally in the form of the villainous Rodney King (Hugh Grant in black-face), and his army of robot frogs.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

"Ken Loach's 'Revenge of the Ninja' "

FYC: "Ken Loach's 'Revenge of the Ninja' " - Depressing tale charting the rise and fall of an idealistic young peasant Masao, who runs away to join the Togakureryu ninja clan after his impoverished parents are forced to sell him as a scullery boy to the local shogun. Banned from video release in the 80s due to frequently, bloody use of nunchuks, the highlight of this overwhelmingly grey and depressing action film is the forty minute conference Masao instigates to persuade his colleagues to allow unions into the clan.

Monday, 11 February 2013

"Lassie vs. Selassie"

FYC: "Lassie vs. Selassie" - Having seen the miserable conditions of other working dogs in her native USA, the heroic sheep dog defects to the Soviet Union to volunteer her services to Marxist regimes - her first mission  is to help recapture and execute the former Ethipoian emperor who has escaped the clutches of the brutal Derg, before he can be smuggled out of the country by a disorganised yet enthusiastic Rastafarian commando team who ironically wish to repatriate him to Jamaica.

Sunday, 10 February 2013

"The Gravid Owl"

FYC: "The Gravid Owl" - Surrealist biography of Pol Pot in the style of Bunuel, focusing on the U.S. bombing and the subsequent horror of Year Zero in which a fifth of the population was shot, worked or starved to death in the world's single greatest proportional genocide. Starring the muppets as the Cambodian people, and Vin Diesel as both Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger.

Friday, 8 February 2013

"Dreaming of Dwarfs"

FYC: "Dreaming of  Dwarfs" - Sean Penn stars and directs in this childrens' animated favourite about an anthropomorthic dog dying painfully of cancer, pissing blood and gazing wistfully out of the window. Includes famous speech in which Jojo the Dog exhorts Rachel Robin to make the most of her freedom and to "Fly with all her heart!" only to realise that she is deaf, and that life is ultimately meaningless and empty.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

"Michael Bay's 'Taste of Cherry' "

FYC: "Michael Bay's 'Taste of Cherry' " - Remake of the Iranian art-house festival darling from 1997, in which Will Smith plays a distraught TV network executive planning to commit suicide on Thanksgiving after the death of his brother from a drugs overdose. Needing someone to bury his corpse beneath Philadelphia's Liberty Bell, he tries to hire a succesion of characters to aid him, including a Kung-fu master, a lap-dancer, a nun and a mysterious child who turns out to be an alien from another world, each of whom teaches him something important about the spirit of Thanksgiving. Culminates in Hollywood's most expensive gun battle to date where Will Smith and 'The Suicide Posse' take out the drug dealing mobsters.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

"The Kisses Of Rafik"

FYC: "The Kisses Of Rafik" - Melancholy celluloid poetry in the vein of Tarkovsky from director Perry Andelin Blake and star Dana Carvey in their follow up to 2002's 'The Master Of Disguise'. Banjo is a sensitive young homosexual living in the Tora Bora mountains of Afghanistan, but after his village is blown up, with him the only survivor, he is raised by a charitable flight of unmanned U.S. Predator drones. But when his new family is mercilessly shot down by the Taliban, he ventures out of the hills to seek fortune, and love, in the unforgiving extremist cities of Peshawar.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Puppet Got The Strings

FYC: "Puppet Got The Strings" - Violent porno-art film starring Willem Dafoe from the makers of "Short Bus", about a meth-addled transvestite ventriloquist prostitute and her/his increasingly abusive pimp-dummy, "Baron Doll-omite".

"Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head."

FYC: "Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head." - Post-punk zombie film set in the apocalyptic wasteland of Thatcher-era Salford, Manchester. Overwhelmed with depression, Kurt Ians, the charismatic young singer of an up-and-coming local band, hangs himself, inspiring a wave of copycat suicides. But little did he know that the medication he had been prescribed was contaminated with chemical warfare agents from a nearby American airforce base, and he is condemned to rise from the grave... along with his hundreds of depressed followers who also killed themselves.

Monday, 4 February 2013

"James Bond: Modicum of Danger"

FYC: "James Bond: Modicum of Danger" - Daniel Craig stars as the indomitable James Bond as he travels to Venezuela in an attempt to manipulate a random woman in a laundromat into claiming that Chavez is ready to strike London with a dirty-bomb, thereby providing the pretext for an Anglo-American oil war. Light hearted family fun, with all the usual Bond trademarks of callous murder and near-rape.

Sunday, 3 February 2013

"From London With Love"

FYC: "From London With Love" - new Working Title film from the pen of Richard Curtis. Maggie (Cameron Diaz) is a high-flying corporate lawyer forcibly seconded to a stodgy old firm in London after a tryst with her boss goes wrong, leaving her heart-broken and wary. But romance soon blossoms between her and a cheeky unemployed football-hooligan (Jason Statham) who chips away at her cynicism... until disaster strikes when he coincidentally beats the shit out of the Bangladeshi owner of the neighbouring convenience store and leaves him for dead. Can Maggie save him from conviction in the light of damning forensic evidence? A delightful comedy of manners from Olde London Towne.

Saturday, 2 February 2013

"Back To The Futures Market"

FYC: "Back To The Futures Market" - Family-fun farce for all ages in which Marty McFly must use Doc's magic car to go back in time and precipitate a brutal, genocidal war in Congo, otherwise his highly leveraged coltan-mineral deal will go sour and his employer's hedge-fund will collapse. Rated PG for grisly amputations of African civilians, and also the wrinkled grey nudity of Warren Buffet and George Soros in a steamy one-of-a-kind erotic cameo.

Friday, 1 February 2013

"Friends On Benefits"

FYC: "Friends On Benefits" - Charming comedy in which Justin Timberlake plays a graphic-designer who can never afford his round due to being unemployed for eight years. Things go from bad to worse when his hot claims assessor (Jeniffer Aniston) starts to suspect that his long-suffering room-mate is really his lover, issues a demand for repayment of housing assistance and threatens to prosecute him for benefit fraud.

Thursday, 31 January 2013


FYC: "Conception" - Christopher Nolan's sci-fi follow-up in which a team of fertility experts led by a brilliant but psychologically traumatised Leonardo Di Caprio is hired to insert sperm into the fallopian tubes of a unwitting sleeping host without being detected.

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

'Baker's Dozen'

FYC: 'Baker's Dozen' - Krystof Kieslowski's violent, madcap heist caper starring Tahar Rahim as wise-cracking veteran Lt Johnny Baker and his 11 disenfranchised war buddies who go for one last big score: knocking over the Knott's Berry Farm theme park next to Disneyland. But Baker doesn't count on having to bring in a bungling deaf mute (Juliette Binoche)... or falling in love!

Monday, 28 January 2013

"On Her Majesty's Silver Service"

FYC: "On Her Majesty's Silver Service" - Fish-out-of-water comedy in which hilarious CIA super-spy Ben Stiller is sent to infiltrate the snooty waiting staff of Buckingham Palace in order to unmask an Al-Qaida assassin and stop him (or is it her?!) from blowing up the Queen. Guest-featuring Rowan Atkinson as the young princes' drug-dealer and Vin Diesel as Pippa Middleton's twin arse cheeks.

Sunday, 27 January 2013

"As You Would Be Done By"

FYC: "As You Would Be Done By" - Hilarious sci-fi/rom-com/courtroom drama in which a paedophile with a conscience invents a time machine so he can abuse a child guilt-free, i.e. himself. Executive Produced by the late Michael Jackson, who contributed numerous songs including "Man in the mirror."

Friday, 25 January 2013

"Top Mutt: The Search for Hooch"

For Your Consideration: "Top Mutt: The Search for Hooch" - sequel to three 80s classics in which the soul of a fighter pilot's dying dog is transfered to his co-pilot's mind.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

"The Unbearable Lightness of Bling."

FYC: "The Unbearable Lightness of Bling." - Steven Seagal and Fifty Cent star as two mismatched detectives on the trail of ruthless diamond thieves in this sequel to Milan Kundera's meditation on Nietzsche. *warning* Heavy violence and eternally reccurent wobbling of Seagal's jowls.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

"Herbie's shit Christmas"

FYC: "Herbie's shit Christmas" - Festive finale to the automotive franchise. Herbie rolls in to Alabama on Christmas Eve, just as a hapless kitchen chemist accidentally taints the Klan's water with LSD. Afraid and hallucinating, the Klansmen mistake the feisty VW Beetle for a black man and set fire to him in a public lynching by the town square. Heart-warming.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

"Dude, where's my Tsar?!"

FYC: "Dude, where's my Tsar?!" - Prequel to 2000 stoner comedy with extra gravitas, in which two bungling Bolshevik serfs in early 20th Century Russia must recapture the Romanovs for a mass execution in Ipatiev House before the White-faction can rescue them... otherwise Lenin will not be pleased! Revolutionary.

Monday, 21 January 2013

"Two Legs Bad"

FYC: "Two Legs Bad" - A young boy (Vin Diesel) is put in a wheelchair after a terrible car accident results in amputation, but soon after finds he is haunted by the ghost of his own legs.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

"Taxi Driver 2: You talkin' to M.E. ?"

FYC: "Taxi Driver 2: You talkin' to M.E. ?" - Paedo vigilante nut-job Travis Bickle has to take on the new Colombian drug barons whilst also battling Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Contains simulated sex and real rain.

Saturday, 19 January 2013

"Sense & Sensimilla"

FYC: "Sense and Sensimilla"-Adaptation of Austen classic from makers of "Shottas".When their father Dash is killed, sisters Marianne and Elinor have to resettle in Trenchtown,where Marianne becomes a crack-whore and Elinor gets involved in money-laundering.The two must find a balance between their smarts and their hearts to find happiness, true love, and enough guns to take their revenge in a protracted gang war. Music by Michael Buble

Friday, 18 January 2013

"If it had to be anyone, I'm glad it was you."

FYC: "If it had to be anyone, I'm glad it was you." - Krzysztof Kieślowsk's bittersweet romance about a Vatican altar boy and the Pope. Touching.

Thursday, 17 January 2013

"Napoleon vs. Predator"

For Your Consideration: "Napoleon vs. Predator" - High-concept prequel to Tolstoy's 'War and Peace'. Starring Vin Diesel as a broken cupboard on the Kuragin estate.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

"The Animal Imperative."

For Your Consideration: "The Animal Imperative." - Touching drama about the young Immanuel Kant's romantic obsession with an orangutan in Konigsberg zoo. Based on a true story. Starring Vin Diesel (as Immanuel Kant), Vin Diesel (as Juliette the orangutan), and Vin Diesel (as himself).

Tuesday, 15 January 2013


Little Gold Eunuch is proud to announce it will be re-screening a large number of its films for the Academy (this means you!) in the next few weeks.

We will be dredging them from the oldest, most fetid parts of our celluloid bowels, so hopefully it won't be too boring for you...

Sunday, 13 January 2013

ULU-CHOD ! Owl-Fucker McGee Goes To Kashmir

FYC: "ULU-CHOD ! Owl-Fucker McGee Goes To Kashmir" - Shot back to back with its predecessor, in this outing McGee's avian rapine almost causes a third Indo-Pakistan war in the volatile, triply-divided valley.

After McGee escapes America, having made a killing on sub-prime loans and having his psychiatrist held as an Al Qaeda agent in Gitmo, the benighted residents of Kashmir enjoy a brief respite from the ongoing conflict when rumours surface of a mysterious stranger offering $68,000 as a bounty for any large owls that can be found and delivered alive - but they must weigh 3kg or over to be big enough for his purposes.

A frenzy of owl-hunting follows, but it turns out that the enigmatic eccentric is even harder to find than giant owls themselves.

The mood swiftly turns both to revulsion, however, when the air is filled with distressed  hooting at unusual times of day, and scores of dead and seriously wounded Bubo bengalensis are found littering the valley with their insides full to the brim with blood and human semen - these owls are not simply being sacrificed for Diwali black-magic, after all.

Indian and Pakistan blame each other for this grotesque violation of majestic regional fauna, and nationalistic tensions run high... can McGee escape before the shelling starts?


Thursday, 10 January 2013

Owl-Fucker McGee's Great Horn For The Great Horned

FYC: "Owl-Fucker McGee's Great Horn For The Great Horned" - Fresh from his jaunt to Brazil, Owl-Fucker McGee (Jeremy Irons) gives his psychiatrist (Cate Blanchett) the slip and heads to Yellowstone National Park, where he plans to fuck the virgin anuses of as many Bubo virginianus'es as he can before his inevitable recapture. Co-starring Emily Blunt as the conservationist and part-time Park Ranger trying to solve the mystery of who has been putting up giant nets between the trees in the park, and who falls in love with McGee, but can't understand why her affections are unreturned... what will she do when she discovers his dark secret?