Tuesday, 30 July 2013


FYC: "Abominable" - Action-horror film written and produced by Luc Besson.  Vin Diesel stars as Duke Gasolina, an alcoholic itinerant clown who has to save a small Iowa town from ruthless Chinese gangsters and a horde of bullet-proof yetis during a snow-storm.

But the Triads and the snow-beasts aren't counting on Duke's having training as a former Navy S.E.A.L. ,  and the assistance of a plucky youngster who knows all the back alleys and local caves like the back of her hand. Directed by Uwe Boll with his usual trademark aplomb. Music by Robert Cobert.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

Life's Little Head Fucks

FYC: "Life's Little Head Fucks" - Studio Ghibli's formally challenging misfire, infamous for its Psycho-like twist, which ultimately led psychiatrists in Tokyo to diagnose Hayao Miyazaki with sudden onset dementia.

Miku is a sweet but determined girl on the cusp of adolescence, with her head very much in the clouds and her feet very much on the ground. She finds it hard to make friends among the snobbish bullies at her prep school in Sapporo, and fears she will find it even worse in her new environment when her grandmother dies and she and her mother have to move back to small-town Japan.

She soon makes friends with the enchanted kitchen appliances in her new home, who tell her about Kohirakuo, the teenage boy living next door, who hasn't spoken or come out of his room for five years.

Taking pity on him, she starts communicating with him with stories they send each other through paper-planes from their balconies. Eventually, through the healing power of friendship, she coaxes him out of his room.

From then on there is a dramatic change of tone, as first Kohirakuo stoves her head in with a spade and pisses on the corpse before burying it.

Subsequently, everything takes place in a continuous slow-motion shot of Kohirakuo sneaking into babies' bedrooms in the neighborhood and sticking his engorged penis through the fontanels of the infants, turning their craniums into basins full of blood, brains and semen.

On his third such gory outing, he is intercepted by some policemen who riddle his body with bullets.

Friday, 12 July 2013

Surviving The Men-On-Pause

FYC: "Surviving The Men-On-Pause" - Jizztastic sci-fi thriller in the tradition of The Matrix and Vanilla Sky, in which Ryan Gosling stars as Brad Connors, a millionaire playboy who becomes disillusioned of a jet-setting life of endless Hollywood parties, amazing sex with groups of super-models, wining Nobel prizes and saving burning orphanages from rampaging terrorists using his Bruce-Lee-like martial-arts skills and brilliant gunplay.

Brad becomes increasingly morose and pouty, until eventually he is unable to get out of bed, and has even lost his appetite for shagging. In a sudden moment of clarity, he realises his life is a meaningless fiction, and wakes up to find himself in a cybernetic spunk farm, where he and a few thousand other men are kept in pods, milking-tubes harvesting their cocks for semen around the clock.

He breaks free of the facility and finds himself in a nightmare society composed only of women, basically free of brutality and egomania. The handful of men in the pods are being kept in artificial Utopias, unwittingly trading their sperm for blissful paradises where they can indulge as much as they desire in their infantile and irrational fantasies for violence, domination, adoration, and sexual prowess.

Realising what he has been missing all his life, Brad heroically frees his fellow men from the sperm bank, so that together they can rape, subjugate and destroy lots of real women, and each other too.

The film ends happily, all is well with the world, and it is on flames again, and more importantly the bitches know their place.

Thursday, 11 July 2013

Lenny Henry's Torture Garden

FYC: "Lenny Henry's Torture Garden" - A change of genre for England's most minstrel-like unfunny funny-man in his sequel to the mind-bending "The Lenny Henry Rum Illusion", eschewing the latter's marine-life based comedy psychedelia and focusing on indescribable horror and the hypocrisies of european 19th century imperialism.

Lenny Henry takes on the mantle of writer/director/producer and stars/transgenders as the ultra-feminine, flame-haired, green-eyed fay English sadist Clara as she revels in the horrible tormentors digging the flesh, sawing the bones, and retracting the skin of the innocent natives with sinister, joyful faces in a Canton Premier Inn, ultimately having an earth-shattering orgasm at the sight of a coolie's viscera being fried in hot oil whilst he is forced to eat hundreds of tiny complimentary soap bars as punishment for asking for free wifi.

Not for the squeamish.

Monday, 1 July 2013

Carry On, Chomsky !

FYC: "Carry On, Chomsky !" - Another lost British comedy classic finally brought to our screens, with Christian Bale starring in place of Sid James as the horny old professor and critic of U.S. foreign policy and state capitalism, Noam Chomsky, as he tries to refine his skills as a 'cunning linguist' on MIT's female undergrads and get them to 'measure [his] column inches' in the hope of setting up an anarcho-syndicalist brothel, and not lose tenure in the process.

But Noam's plans go hilariously, and jizzmatically, awry when Alan Dershowitz sends the seductive Natalie Portman (played by Vin Diesel) to try to convert Chomsky to radical Zionism...