Monday, 28 October 2013

Stuck Together

FYC: "Stuck Together" - A teen neo-Nazi punk becomes possessed by the ghost of an old Russian Jewish immigrant victim of the 1908 Boston fire, which started in the Boston Blacking Company and ravaged Boston's Chelsea district, after sniffing too many haunted glue sticks made by its successor company Bostik. Heartwarming bonding ensues.

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Turdburglar Hill, a.k.a. Purple Heart-Break

FYC: "Turdburglar Hill", a.k.a. "Purple Heart-Break" - Brokeback Mountain meets Platoon in this miscalculated attempt at both Oscar-bait and self-rehabilitation from his homophobic reputation by Rush Hour director Brett Ratner involving a steamy love triangle between Joaquin Phoenix's green-horn squad lieutenant, Ving Rhames' stoic but sly sergeant and Jet Li's inscrutable Viet-Cong POW.

Hopes of nomination were dashed when Ratner pronounced "I felt it was time to pay tribute to the contribution made to our country by gay servicemen and women and to counter the culture of institutional and casual prejudices that undermine our humanity, and the best way for me to do that was through the healing medium of storytelling entertainment [...] and with Rush Hour I've shown that I can entertain better than anyone... just give me a gook and a nigger and a couple of action sequences and I'm good to go."

Monday, 21 October 2013

The Gu Identity

FYC: "The Gu Identity" -  Chinese take on the Bourne franchise, in which the rogue element of the glorious Chinese military intelligence service is trying to sabotage the righteous assassinations of scoundrels and agitators against the People's Communist Party.

Amnesiac assassin 'Tommy Gu', who was almost killed by these so-called reformist plotters, must purge the security services of the meddling influence of foreign devils. The film ends with Gu being hailed as a hero and the families of the people he executed having to pay for the bullets. Sponsored by Google.

Sunday, 20 October 2013

Countdown - Long Cuts

FYC: "Countdown - Long Cuts" - Thought long lost, this is the director's cut of one of Robert Altman's earliest films, a ponderous cold-war sci-fi about the race for the moon released a year before the first actual lunar landing. This version primarily restores three hours of extra footage of sixty people talking over each other at Houston mission control and an insipid jazz soundtrack, and also has Altman's secretly filmed alternate ending in which James Caan's lead character uses up all his three hours of oxygen terminally playing the sax on the moon.

Friday, 11 October 2013

Cop Out !

FYC: "Cop Out !" -  Homophobic Paul Rudd comedy in the vein of Police Academy in which a lazy, cowardly, gay detective uses his sexual orientation as an excuse to turn down any difficult or dangerous cases. Prequel to the sci-fi celluloid disaster Spaced Out!

Monday, 7 October 2013

You've got SPAM !

FYC: "You've got SPAM !" - Adam Sandler stars as Joel Pistachio in this feel good fantasy about a man who trades his anal virginity to a filthy, reeking, mysterious hobo (Tom Hanks) in exchange for a magical e-mail account that makes the spam in his inbox come true as long as there is a regular supply of hobo sperm into his dirtbox.

Soon he has the perfect six pack, a giant penis, as much Cialis as he would ever need, discount Rolexes, an uncanny ability to chat up the ladies and US$419,000 gifted to him randomly by the god-fearing relative of a corrupt Nigerian politician. But when a message arrives from the incredibly beautiful daughter of a billionaire who has been abducted and held hostage in Spain, whose identity must remain a secret and whom only Joel can help, the uncanny vagrant disappears, and Joel must find him and keep him from drinking himself to death just long enough to pump him full of putrid tramp jism one last time...