Monday, 31 October 2011

"The Life of Me, Part 5 - Like a Prayer"

FYC: "The Life of Me, Part 5 - Like a Prayer" - The latest and hopefully last installment of Madonna's epic autobiography, focusing on her unhappiness with her failed film career and the desparate occult steps to which she resorted to remedy it, ending with her being driven into hiding and only re-emerging as Japan's first female champion sumo wrestler. After yet another flop and the merciless ridicule of critics and film-goers alike, Madonna makes a Kabalistic prayer to His Darkness Cthulhu so she can invoke the spirits of Orson Welles and Marlon Brando. Sadly, she is only possessed by their appetites for fried food, and after she eats a small Mexican town (including the mayor) whilst on vacation, she has to flee angry villagers with pitchforks and burning torches, and reassess her life. But she finds redemption across the Pacific where her new found humility and body-mass index prove strangely useful in a local sport. Sadly the main character is both badly acted and completely unempaphetic. Starring Madonna as herself.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

"Redshirts: The Biscuit Battles"

FYC: "Redshirts: The Biscuit Battles" - Gus Van Sant's Aardman-animated epic about the bloody liberation of Italy using bakery products for the characters. Starring the voice of the Cookie Monster as the heroic Garibaldi and the voice of infamous alternative Bolywood actor Hrithik Roshan as Count Bourbon. Rumoured to have one of the highest cost over-runs of any animated feature due to the destructive addiction of unnamed voice talent that kept eating the models on set in the middle of the night.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

"Disney's Dancing Dunblane - 3D"

FYC: "Disney's Dancing Dunblane - 3D" - Fantasia-style animated musical celebrating over a century of school shooting massacres and the sanctity of the Second Amendment, uniting the best of our favourite Disney characters and the best of Pixar's newest animation techniques. Best viewed on IMAX with THX sound to fully appreciate the rasping, bleeding lung puncture in the hilarious sequence in which school-nurse Mickey Mouse is running around with buckets vainly trying to pour students' blood back into their bodies through the bullet holes.