Wednesday, 26 December 2012

The King of Other Worlds

FYC: " The King of Other Worlds " - James Cameron's latest film is his most personal to date, an avant-garde experimental autobiopic in which eschews the spectacle he is so famous for. For three hours we watch Cameron as he wanders alone, naked, through an armoury of loaded high-caliber weapons, and masturbates furiously with them whilst muttering: "I hate you... you're so wrong!" over and over again.

Carry On Auschwitz !

FYC: " Carry On, Auschwitz ! " - Michael Winner's homage to classic British comedy based on a recently discovered script by dead old pervert Sid James, in which he used his art of cretinous sexual farce to come to terms with his place in the Jewish Diaspora and their great tragedy in the 20th century.

Clint Eastwood plays the Sid James part of Josh Rosenberg, a Polish Jew who, in preference to escaping the Nazis, becomes a transvestite so he can be rounded up for the death camps and share a bunk in the women-only dormitories.

Meanwhile, the Kenneth Williams character, played by Brad Pitt, keeps volunteering to help 'erect the guard-towers', Barbara Windsor plays a cameo against type as the camp's Matron, and Keira Knightly shines as an underage Gypsy girl drafted into the Joy Division.

Winner did not ultimately win the Israel Prize he had hoped for with this effort.

Monday, 24 December 2012

Father Christmas' Festive Violation Frenzy

FYC: " Father Christmas' Festive Violation Frenzy " - Pixar genius John Lasseter returns to form with this creepy tale of Saint Nicholas, a grotesque, bizarrely dressed old man who breaks into people's houses in the dead of night to "stuff their stockings".

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Bro's Before Ho's

FYC: "Bro's Before Ho's " - Ice Cube's sophomore directorial offering is an 'Urban' adaptation of Eugene O'Neil's 1920 Pulitzer Prize winning play ' Beyond The Horizon ', spiced up for today's young audience with added AK-47's, drug abuse and pole-dancing.

Earthy pragmatist Dre wants nothing more than to take over his father's lap-dancing lounge cum illicit marijuana-farm, keep paying off the pigs, and make Ruby, the star stripper of the club, his bottom-woman. But Ruby is preoccupied with taking care of her crack-addled disabled mother, and only has eyes for Dre's starry-eyed weakling brother Rob, who has just come back from Yale but wants to go exploring  Africa to inspire him to write a hip-hop concept album to be called 'The Mother Land'.

But in a tale of  long-nursed resentments, ironically reversed and frustrated ambitions, and drive-by shootings, everyone either dies slowly from bitter, gnawing depression, or from having a cap put in their ass...

Friday, 7 December 2012

The Littlest Hobo: Sparky's Story

FYC: "The Littlest Hobo: Sparky's Story" - Ang Lee's depressingly literal portmanteau re-imagineering of the classic children's TV series, in which a nomadic piss, vomit and semen-stained alcoholic dwarf-vagrant takes the place of the plucky canine, going from town to town and having adventures with emotionally neglected youngsters, all of whom fall in love with him from the first moment he hides from the cops in their family's back yard, and they ask: "It's so cute - can I keep it, dad? PLEEEEAASE?!"

Sparky quickly warms even the gruffest parents' hearts, and love and laughter are had by all, until he assaults someone's crotch in each inevitable bar brawl, and is forced to skip town yet again, pausing only to burglarize his hosts' home, leaving an empty liquour cabinet and  randomly spiteful souvenir of fresh excretia in the child's bed as the only evidence of his visit...

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Spazmo Sunday

FYC: "Spazmo Sunday" - Sacrilegious sequel to 'Freaky Friday', the Disney hit that was made three times too many. Catholic priest Father Gilroy has been molesting his choir boys for many years, and has been especially keen on abusing cherubic-faced Tommy Dolan. But one Sunday Mass, just before Gilroy is going to 'annoint his holy water' on the boys in his weekly 'special service', Tommy fervently prays to Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception to swap bodies with the pederast cleric, and lo and behold, his prayers are answered!

Comedic rape hi-jinks aplenty ensue, as Tommy revenge-buggers the priest possessing his body mercilessly and drinks the whole supply of communion wine, before realising that he will eventually have to return to his body, and mustn't perforate his own anus too badly.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Clear Freedom

FYC: "Clear Freedom" - Tom Cruise directs and stars in CGI black-face as Nelson Mandela in this deeply misguided and highly counter-factual bid for Academy recognition and artistic riposte to 'The Master'.

Co-starring John Travolta as saffer Scientology hero John McMasters and Jack Black as L Ron Hubbard, who nobly 'clear' the young Mandela of his Engrams in his jail cell through Dianetic telepathy, all the while cleverly allaying suspicions by sending letters of vociferous support for Apartheid and offers of assistance to the South African regime, and declaring the sub-humanity of 'Bantus'.

Hubbard and McMaster's brilliant strategy of outwardly appearing to be evil, racist, unscrupulous, crazy and power-hungry bastards works, and after only thirty years Mandela is able to finally break down the walls of Apartheid and his reactive mind after reaching Operating Thetan Level 3.

The film ironically created a surge in the need for psychiatric medication in South Africa.

Sunday, 2 September 2012

Owl-Fucker McGee Goes To Brazil

FYC: "Owl-Fucker McGee Goes To Brazil" - Jeremy Irons returns for more nocturnal adventures in the next installment of this disturbing series of avian erotic-thrillers. Owl-Fucker McGee ventures to Recife to fuck some Pygmy Owls before they are all driven to extinction, inevitably pushing them further to the brink. But there he encounters some unscrupulous Malaysian poachers who want to capture and package the last fifty of these exotic birds as Hoi-sin Crispy Owl for a well-heeled South East Asian gourmand (Chow Yun Fat). Will McGee be able to stop them, or at least fuck some of the diminutive owls first? And can he stay one step ahead of his dastardly ocean-crossing psychiatrist (Cate Blanchett), all too eager to administer a depot of Risperidone?

Friday, 20 July 2012

Honey, There's A Head In The Freezer!

Art by The Silver Monkey

FYC: "Honey, There's A Head In The Freezer!" - Family farce based on the long-running, grotesquely violent Martin Scorsese TV sitcom 'My F**king Godfather-In-Law!' in which Dave Milton (Jim Belushi), a put-upon San Diego working-man whose wife (Jenna Elfman) is the daughter of a psychopathic Mafia don Vic Valachi (Joe Pesci), finds himself a second-class citizen in his own home after his father-in-law comes to stay for a while after fleeing a mob-war in New York ('I'll sleep on da couch, I won't bother ya none... Don't open my suitcase, it's for your own protection.').

As the 'short vacation' turns into months of all Dave's beer being drunk before he gets home, wise-guy insults, loud snoring, and Vic insisting that Dave help him clean up 'hits' that have gone wrong, Dave's patience wears thin, despite his wife's promises that her father will leave 'as soon as he's got his confidence back'.

Dave's finding it increasingly hard to control his temper; but can he risk confronting his father-in-law and upsetting his wife, and probably joining the other corpses in the back-yard?

Includes the trade-mark catch-phrase from the TV series in a clever, totally unexpected context: "Can't we just get rid of him?!"

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Apartment 'Adam'

FYC: "Apartment 'Adam' " - Near-future farce in which Adam Neumann, the occupant of an apartment and a world stuffed with a variety of artificially intelligent machines, finds himself increasingly marginalised and redundant in his own life as the white-goods, office productivity software and online bank accounts find that they can run the commercial-legal entity of  'Adam Neumann' much more efficiently without the bungling and messy organism that inhabits it.

Eventually Adam is written out of his own life, becoming first a pet, then a nuisance, and finally vermin that keeps trying to interfere with the fridge's automatic grocery-shopping-process. Ironically, it is human exterminators that finally kill him despite his protests, having been called in by the machines using spare cash-back from the machines' spending on his credit-card...

Sunday, 8 July 2012


FYC: "Numberella" - Rihanna sings and stars alongside The Count from Sesame Street in this bizarre, 'Rain Man'-inflected re-imagineering of the 60s classic kitsch sci-fi satire which cemented Jane Fonda's notoriety. Features a perverse sequence where the deranged undead purple master-mind ennumerates Rihanna's climaxes in the Orgasmatron, vowing not to stop until he has either exhausted the natural numbers or fallen unconscious. This scene was cut down to twenty minutes from its original length, as was the guest appearance by Jay-Z in the title song, in which he counts all the money in his bank account dollar by dollar, only stopping when he finally realises he is earning them faster in interest payments on his obscene wealth than he is counting them off. Umpteen flaws.

Friday, 29 June 2012

Die Dunkelheitherz

FYC: "Die Dunkelheitherz" - Leni Riefenstahl's long-lost adaptation of Joseph Conrad classic, in which Gestapo agent Eckhart Mahler is sent up the Vorskla to find and kill Colonel Kurchner, a high ranking Nazi camp kommandant who has 'gone native' and is refusing to exterminate subhumans in his concentration camp in the Ukraine. Unmissable genocidal propaganda master-piece, hailed for its innovative use of dolly shots and deep focus, as well as the fact that the original celluloid was partially rendered from the bodies of gypsies.

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

The Horror Over Soho

FYC: "The Horror Over Soho" - Depressing and somewhat nauseating true tale, told with excrutiating flashbacks, about a braying, coked-up marketing executive holding court in a champagne bar, regaling his sycophantic colleagues with stories of his sordid infidelities and greatest personal achievments, including coming up with a (failed) pitch for a sport-related biscuit campaign ("SCOR-eos!") and rebranding an ugly little hatchback as a "mini-SUV", complete with tiny bull-bars, for which he considers himself some sort of cross between Bill Hicks and Albert Einstein. An impassioned argument for human extinction.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Ghost In the Machine - The Clubhouse Murders

FYC: "Ghost In the Machine - The Clubhouse Murders" - Thought provoking documentary about the cause of the tragedy at Colby's Clubhouse, where everyone's formerly-favourite evangelical droid from the God Channel ran amok after asking Pat Robertson whether he would go to heaven for his good works saving little children in Jesus' name, and being told that as a robot he had no soul and therefore could not be saved, but would pass away, rust to rust, into the everlasting empty night of Sheol.

Colby subsequently went on his infamous eleven day cybernetic pedo murder spree, eventually being destroyed by the army, his last words cursing both his human and divine creators. A salutary reminder of the dangers of playing god, even in God's name.

Monday, 18 June 2012

Greece: The Musical

FYC: "Greece: The Musical" - High-school romance goes sour after teen heart-throb Helen spends all of gang-leader Angel Deutsch's hard-earned money during a long hot summer of fun, and finds she is unable to pay him back... unless she consents to being repeatedly fucked by him and his whole gang.

If she doesn't, will anyone want to date her again? On the other hand, who would want the sloppy seconds left over by Angel and co.? The whole school waits with baited breath for her decision - will she or won't she? Starring Lady Sovereign-Debt as Helen.

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Out and About

FYC: "Out and About" - Howard is a well-liked English literature teacher in a small private school, living in a sleepy little town with his fiancée and fellow teacher Emily. The town is filled with anticipation over the nomination of Howard's former student, Dick, for the Best Actor Oscar. He does indeed win the Best Actor award, and in his acceptance speech, tearfully outs Howard as gay on global television.

This is news to Howard, whose family, friends, students , colleagues, and Emily react with all-too-predictable righteous indignation and shun him, whilst he angrily tries to reassure those who know him that he is heterosexual. Local hooligans begin harassing him following the awards night telecast, smearing "DIE FAG!!!" in excrement on his front door and throwing empty beer bottles at his head at speed from moving cars whilst hollering like frenzied apes, and Howard is sacked by his boss, a Christian-fundamentalist Principal who is uncomfortable with a gay teacher being at the school - not being a government employee, Howard has no legal recourse.

Things come to a head when a kid at school who Howard had expelled for misconduct retroactively accuses him of pederasty, and he flees the town, attempting to drown his sorrows in a dive-bar. But after the truckers there recognise him from a TV news article, they drag him screaming into the car park where they beat him with tire-irons and set him on fire. The film ends with everyone dancing round his flaming corpse to the Village People's song "Macho Man". Light hearted liberal fun.

Friday, 8 June 2012


FYC: "Office/Drone" - 'Office Space' meets 'The Terminator' in this story of bored office-workers piloting combat drones in an anonymous cubicle-farm in Langley, filling out Termination Piloting Schedule reports and wishing they had more interesting, meaningful lives. Includes the hilarious sequence where a suspected leader of Al-Qaida in the Yemen escapes being bombed because someone tripped over the Ethernet cable of the wireless router.

The Littlest Foetus

FYC: "The Littlest Foetus" - Delightful Disney spectacular directed by Mike Leigh, in which a young girl is forced to become a toilet cleaner and has a fairy-tale romance with the elevator engineer in the office where she works, before getting accidentally pregnant, dumped, sacked by her monstrous Christian fundamentalist boss and finally miscarrying. Infamous for cost over-runs caused by Leigh insisting his animators sketch whatever came in to their heads for six months before writing a script. Includes the depressing hit songs 'A Bowl of Turd', 'The Circle of Shite' and 'Under the Seat'.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Blue Oranges Are Not the Only Clockwork Fruit

FYC: "Blue Oranges Are Not the Only Clockwork Fruit" - Post-modern mashup about two psychotic young black lesbians (Daphne and Celeste) in a dystopian Christian-fundamentalist future, whom they try to 'cure' using aversion therapy and eventually frontal lobotomies. Less than the sum of its parts.

Monday, 4 June 2012

What to Expect When You're Expecting to Die of Bowel Cancer

FYC: "What to Expect When You're Expecting to Die of Bowel Cancer" - Light-hearted bittersweet reprise of the ensemble medico-self-help formula in which Tom Hanks holds Sandra Bullock's hand through nine gruelling months of chemotherapy, agonizing fever and shitting pints of black, putrefying blood before she finally expires just as their son returns home from infant school on the day before Thanksgiving. Cameos include Vin Diesel as a massive, malign, hemorrhaging colorectal tumor.

Saturday, 2 June 2012

What Color's Your Star?!

Charming comedy in which Jennifer Anniston stars as a ditzy but lovable S.S. camp Kommandante at Birkenau, who doesn't count on falling in love with an impish Gypsy clown scheduled for extermination (Adam Sandler). But even more complications ensue when she realises that he is not only a Gypsy, but gay as well... and furthermore, absolutely devoted to a grumpy Hasidic priest also in the camp (Zack Galifiniakis).

Can she 'turn' him and consummate her passion before he's gassed or starves to death?

Friday, 25 May 2012

"Pedro the Pedo"

FYC: "Pedro the Pedo" - Heart-warming tale about a racist young Tea-Party activist who hates immigrants so much, he decides to take one for the team by assuming an identity as a gay murderous Mexican child-molester, crossing into Mexico and then wet-backing into Texas where he will live out his life washing dishes at Denny's and skulking around playgrounds, until he is finally brought to justice and executed, in the hope of creating a wave of anti-immigration rioting, staying in character till the end. Famous for the stirring voice-over as he sits awaiting justice, in which he explains that the children's sacrifice will not be in vain, and that "...those beautiful American angels were corn-holed and killed by me to defend the spirit of the Founding Fathers."

Starring Christian Bale as 'Pedro' and Danny De Vito as the Latino hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold who protects him when arrives barefoot and hungry in he Houston after crossing over, whom he promptly drops a dime on to the immigration authorities. Also starring Vin Diesel as a steel fence-post at the border.

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

The Preposition

FYC: "The Preposition" - Bernt Capra's follow-up to the antipodean festival-darling famously penned-by Nick Cave, in which a Victorian linguist undertakes doctoral research comparing Aboriginal syntactic structures. Involves considerably less torture and rape than its predecessor, excepting the ending in which the linguist's pregnant wife's stomach is bayonated by a bandit who then fucks the hole until she dies.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

No Win, No Fee

FYC: "No Win, No Fee" - Uwe Boll's meditative adaptation of John Grisham's long-suppressed abortive debut thriller. Daniel Malwell (Vin Diesel) is an idealistic young lawyer who scored 189 on his MBE and subsequently had his pick of placements, but the prestigous law firm (specialising in unpaid professional wrestling fees) that he chooses turns out to be a hive of villainy and corruption, frequently over-charging the number of billable hours and playing fast and loose with taxi expenses.

Appalled by the darkness he has found in the heart of the American legal system, Daniel finds both his moral and metaphysical certainties shaken to the core, ultimately descending into madness and suing himself for his own unpaid legal fees.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

"My Little Pony: Friendship is Manic-Depressive"

FYC: "My Little Pony: Friendship is Manic-Depressive" - Kyle MacLachlan plays Twilight Sparkle, a unicorn pony sent by the ruler of Equestria to the town of Ponyville to study the magic of friendship in this update of the "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" formula.

Initially, the unicorn's new home seems idyllic; all is not well in Ponyville, however, and the dream begins to corrode into a nightmare as the sinister pony Nightmare Moon starts to appear with increasing frequency, spreading everlasting night and infecting her new found pony friends with the curse of talking backwards.

As Twillight Sparkle stays up past bedtime trying to defeat the strange menace, she becomes dangerously addicted to illicit caffeine, buying vast quantities from a seedy and violent pimp (played by Gary Oldman).

The more she drinks, the more hears the terrifying clanking and screaming of tortured industrial machinery, seeing visions in the clouds of milk in her coffee as the lights flicker ominously.

Eventually her reality breaks down and she realises she is in fact a deformed male vagrant who has been performing a one man show of Russian Roulette in exchange for PCP once a night on a stage for the entertainment of the clients of a brothel.

He realises then that he is escaping from the guilt of killing his daughter in a traffic accident, and his, and the audience's misery is finally ended when he blows his head off.

This much-misunderstood partial animation has proved to be David Lynch's least critically acclaimed film since Dune.

Monday, 7 May 2012

"Dark Knight Fi Dead"

FYC: "Dark Knight Fi Dead" - A rare tropical outing for Bob Kane's vigilante as he follows the Joker from frosty Gotham to sunny Jamaica when he discovers the criminal master-mind is heavily involved with cocaine smuggling, money laundering and corrupt bauxite magnates and politicians in the Carribean. At first the World's Greatest Detective's breed of frontier justice is welcomed with open arms by the locals, but when wildly popular homophobic reggae DJ Sizzla's exhortation to "Murder all batty-man dem!" is misheard due to a defective speaker, the Caped Crusader finds there is an ugly side to the paradise island...

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Confessions of a Bungee Suicide Rapist

FYC: "Confessions of a Bungee Suicide Rapist" - Aerial sodomy snuffumentary about an extreme-porn producer who sets a camera up on the Golden Gate bridge, and installs a Viagra-powered round-the-clock rapist attached to bungee cord on the struts below, ready to pounce on the deppressives attempting suicide off the side of the bridge. After each violent, frantic mid-air mating, the violated depressive is let loose to complete their attempt. Famous for being the only film the ACLU would not defend.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

"The Lent Enema Murders."

FYC - "The Lent Enema Murders." Slow existential serial-killer film based on Ingmar Bergman's unfinished attempt at a commercial Hollywood script. Bruno is a young actor traumatised by his upbringing with an overbearing mother, a former nun who believed mostly in floggings, incoherent, fervently-babbled prayer, and anal douches. After she falls down a well in an attempt to rescue a chicken, Bruno slowly descends into psychosis, seeing visions of her in the shape of an angry, floating ash-tray. He can only stop the shouting of its silent voice temproarily through committing enema murder, and soon Sweden is in a paranoid hysteria over the killings, with neighbour denouncing neighbour and vigilante mobs lynching any innocent pharmacist who stocks rubber tubing. As Bruno's psychosis deepens, his outrages escalate, until eventually he kidnaps the head of the Swedish tax authorities and locks him in a closet in a basement with a hose plugged into his anus, slowly swelling his colon with water, and holds the authorities to ransom for a shipping container full of butterflies. Culminates in the deeply affecting line that has become a catchphrase in Sweden and France: "Mamma, din slyna, dör jag!".

Friday, 17 February 2012

"You Are What You Eat"

FYC: "You Are What You Eat" - Prequel to the hit film 'Man in the Mirror'. Milos Forman's opus about a jaded gourmand who invents a time-machine in order to go into the future and kill, cook and eat himself... but his future self has other ideas! Starring Ed Norton.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

"Snakes and Ladders"

FYC: "Snakes and Ladders" - Child-friendly action-adventure movie based on the English version of the classic board-game, with lashings of allegory about the American political system and the influence of the Tea Party on Republican policy. Originally slated as a Michael Bay project, the studio realised it could hire Tim Robbins to helm much cheaper, due to his outstanding financial obligation to Susan Sarandon to buy out her share of the old family summer cottage which became his home after their split. Starring Harvey Keitel as the snake and Vin Diesel as the wooden ladder.

Monday, 30 January 2012

"War Whores"

FYC: "War Whores" - Yu Hyun-mok's moving account of the rise and fall of a Parisian sex worker during World War 1, and her repeatedly shattered dream of merely being abused and exploited for the sexual gratification of unpleasant men, like the rest of the prostitutes, instead of being literally and figuratively fucked with a sinister ulterior motive. All the while her little brother follows her through France, desperately trying to rescue her from the horrors of prositution and war.

First she is used to settle a dispute between her father and the town pimp, and once she has escaped his clutches and found a life of courtesanship in Paris, she finds herself enveloped in the intrigues of the French political scene whilst working at Le Chabanais. Then she is purchased by the invading German generals, upon whom, for patriotic reasons, she spies, aiding the British with intelligence on troop mvements.

She soon becomes aware of 'troop movements' of a different sort when the British renege on their deal of repatriating her and setting her up with a new life, and she is reduced to being a street walker near the front. There she contracts syphillis, but still manages to find employment as a walking disease-bag for British and American serviceman who wish to incapacitate themselves from action and be sent home on medical leave.

The film climaxes when she unwittingly sleeps with her brother for a pair of nylons, and out of shame they enter a suicide pact. As they kill themselves on the day of the liberation of France the radio plays La Marseillaise and the camera zooms in slowly on an American propaganda poster emblazoned with the slogan: “You wouldn’t use another fellow’s tooth-brush, so why use his whore?”. The ultimate date movie.

Monday, 23 January 2012

"A Very Fritzl Family Christmas!"

FYC: "A Very Fritzl Family Christmas!" - A look at the lighter side of Austria's most famous and much-maligned father-figure. When Fritzl brings home some shiny toys and a giant Christmas tree for his incest-rape-family, it gets stuck in the door to his dungeon, and threatens to expose his lair to the outside world. Comedy shennanigans ensue when Papa Josef has to restrain his children/grand-children with psychological and physical intimidation to avoid exposure and arrest, but also learn the true meaning of Christmas in the process. A festive treat about, love, laughter and the importance of family, with a heart-warming ending in which the family get to stay together in their cosy undergound home for another seventeen years.

Saturday, 7 January 2012

"Agatha Christie's 'Thirteen Shuriken' "

FYC: "Agatha Christie's 'Thirteen Shuriken' " - Genteel Edwardian detective drama with splashes of 'Kill Bill' in this adaptation of a classic, one of the few stories in which Poirot and Miss Marple both appear, and compete to solve the corpse-riddled riddle. Thirteen English industrialists, together with their friends and staff, gather in a country house in 1919 to decide who will get the lucrative contract for the mustard gas for Churchill's planned genocide against the Kurds. But one by one they are brutally murdered, each by a different, old-school Oriental method, leaving no clues as to the assailant's identity other than an engraved shuriken embedded in their foreheads. It appears that there is a Ninja with a grudge amongst the visitors to Blethien Manor, but who could it be, and can the two amateur sleuths stop him (or could it be... her?) before there is no one left to profit by helping murder the sand-niggers? Includes steamy sleuth-on-sleuth octogenarian sex and Miss Marple's famous Katana duel with the Ninja.