Monday, 25 February 2013

Gory Hole a.k.a. Down-Low...

FYC: "Gory Hole" a.k.a. "Down-Low...": - Peter Dinklage stars against type in Terrence Malick's ponderous, post-modernist genre thriller, in which a psychopathic dwarf serial-killer sneaks into gas-station toilets through the window and uses his filed-to-a-point teeth to bite off the cocks of closeted truckers looking to get their usual anonymous blow-jobs through holes in the stall partitions - the unsuspecting victim then usually bleeds to death.

Idris Elba stars as the dignified black detective who tracks the insane murderer to his lair, with Vin Diesel in multiple roles as the pickled phalluses of the mad midget's victims. Based on Umberto Eco's longest work,"Piccolo".

Friday, 22 February 2013

James Bond - Rim of Tedium

FYC: "James Bond: - Rim of Tedium" - Following in the footsteps of last year's relatively unsuccesful "Modicum of Danger", this realist Bond outing sees the indomitable 007 feeling the strain of his thrilling life of espionage, having to stay up till two thirty every night for a month reading stolen corporate sales reports in a rented apartment in Indonesia, being nagged by his wife for missing the children's bed-times and having to queue in the British Consulate for hours like everyone else so as not to blow his cover.

Includes Bond's best gadget to date, an Aston-Martin modified by Q to run on cold-fusion and equipped with rocket-boosters and proton-torpedoes, which Bond has to use to bribe a middle-ranking civil servant into giving him a stack of industrial brochures being considered by Jakarta as part of the equipment procurement process for a hydro-electric dam.

Audiences will be kept on the edge of their seats, wondering to the last moment if Bond will manage to marginally increase a British engineering consortium's chances to participate in the project by arranging some back-handers to local officials...?

Thursday, 21 February 2013

M Night Shyamalan's 'The Banshee'

FYC: "M Night Shyamalan's 'The Banshee' " - *WARNING - contains spoilers*  A young couple (Justin Timberlake and Angelina Jolie) move into an upmarket Manhattan apartment after inheriting a tidy estate from the tragic deaths of their parents, but are soon reduced to abject terror by unnatural shrieking that emanates at all hours, forcing them to question the guilt that haunts them, their sanity and ultimately the nature of reality itself. The priest they eventually call in exorcise the apartment on the 40th floor defenestrates himself after a night of the horrible moans, piercing wails and Cthulhoid gibberings, and it is left to a wise, spiritual black janitor (Will Smith) to help them solve the riddle... The trademark twist reveals that Yoko Ono has moved into the next door apartment and is recording her new album of classic Motown covers, and the only thing the couple can do to end their horrible ordeal is invest in sound insulation and construction workers' industrial grade ear-muffs.

Baphomet and Cthulhu Get The Munchies

FYC: "Baphomet and Cthulhu Get The Munchies" -  described in Variety as " 'Cloverfield' meets 'Cheech and Chong' ", this is a surreal road-trip in which the two Old friends/rivals are woken from their awful slumbers when Google starts machine-translating archaelogical documents in order to show off their new technology, and a user accidentally uses the 'say aloud' function on the most-dread spell of The Necronomicon.

The duo head their way across North America, causing hysterical psychosis and gobbling-up as many people as they can, before finally being exorcised by a Thelemite sex-magick ritual involving the Pope, the Dalai Lama, Stephen Hawking and Bill O' Reilly, depicted in excrutiating detail.

Available in some theatres in non-Euclidean 3D and featuring a musical number involving an alligator-shaped piano and Stephen Hawking's computer singing the song "It's a cook-book!".

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

"L'Attaque de Sloth"

FYC: "L'Attaque de Sloth" - Existential monster movie based on recently discovered notes made by Jean-Paul Sartre for his first novel. Jacques is a morbid and apathetic young academic, overwhelmed with feelings of disgust at his fellow man. When a sloth at the Paris zoo accidentally swallows a piece of uranium and mutates to giant size, the city is subject to a slow-moving but awful terror as the beast perambulates the arrondisements, eating buildings, parked cars and invalids. The French army are unable to dispatch the unholy monster and evacuate Paris. However, Jaques refuses to leave the cafe he loathes on the Seine, subsisting on a diet of Gitanes and soured red wine, despite the periodical remonstrations of his acquaintances who come back to the city in an attempt to save him from the furry menace, whom he insults until they leave him to his fate of being very, very, slowly eaten. Starring Ryan Gosling as Jacques and Vin Diesel as L'Arc de Triomphe.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

"Walt Disney's 'Sex Dwarf' "

FYC:  "Walt Disney's 'Sex Dwarf' " - The world's most famous animation studio returns to charmingly hand-drawn cel-animation to bring to life Marc Almond's classic 80s fairy-tale of a beautiful, innocent young boy and a rich, degenerate old man who inducts him into a world of Hi-NRG clubbing, group BDSM sex and chronic MDMA abuse, before throwing him away like a used Kleenex after he has developed wrinkles, psychosis and AIDS. Featuring the vocal talents of Daniel Radcliffe as The Sex Dwarf, John Travolta as The Old Roue, and Vin Diesel as The Dumb Chauffeur.

Monday, 18 February 2013

"Protocols of the Elders of Zion - The Movie" aka "What Jews Want"

FYC: "Protocols of the Elders of Zion - The Movie" aka "What Jews Want" - Mel Gibson's docu-drama about the world-wide banking and media conspiracy by the Christ-killing Jews to subjugate God's children by any means, including their devious LOTR-style breeding of the black race to use for murdering white people and raping foolish,  immodestly dressed women. Gibson's family have pledged that all profits will go to funding of the heroic doses of thorazine his doctors are administering to him in his new home.

Sunday, 17 February 2013

"There's a party in my pants and you're all invited!"

FYC: "There's a party in my pants and you're all invited!" - 'Bicycle Thieves' director and Oscar winner Vittorio De Sica's 1945 comedy about a perverted clown who travels the remains of the Italian train system, entertaining himself by molesting war-widows and stealing cured meat products which he shares with his dog Adolfo. Infamous for being banned by the authorities on account of its searing symbolic indictment of the preceding reign of Mussolini, criticism of the collusion of the Catholic church and its downbeat depiction of the American led reconstruction, De Sica laid the foundations for his later materpieces, but admitted in interviews that he had made some missteps in this proto-neo-realist lost classic: "La storia di base era buona, tranne per quel maledetto pagliaccio e la scena in cui il cane gobbe cadavere di una monaca!".

Saturday, 16 February 2013

"Dr Who and The Revolutionary Guard"

FYC: "Dr Who and The Revolutionary Guard" - The Time Lord's strangest and most terrifying adventure yet, where he goes to investigate an apparent landing of a Cyberman probe ship in middle-Russia, but accidentally strays over the Iranian border and is captured by the authorities. He is subsequently tortured for twelve months (using his own sonic screwdriver) before being released in exchange for the radioactive parts in K-9, during which time he finds out that the notorious Evin prison in Tehran seems much smaller on the inside than it does from outside...

Friday, 15 February 2013

"Wen did you eat?" a.k.a. "Morbidly Obese"

FYC: "Wen did you eat?" a.k.a. "Morbidly Obese" - Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne's brooding masterpiece on the Kant-ian dichotomy between appearances and reality starts with three out-of-their-depth language students from the provinces of mainland China - Hu, Wen and Wei - arriving at their grim hostel dorm in London's King's Cross. Low on funds, unable to speak the language and with high gastronomic standards, the three slowly starve until they hit on the idea of tailing the incredibly fat man who lives next door to the hostel. Soon they are able to eat well and economically merely by going to the same restaurants as the large gentleman. But little do they know that he is in fact a cannibal - perhaps he is stalking them!?

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Owl-Fucker McGee's Strange Adventures In Time And Space

FYC: "Owl-Fucker McGee's Strange Adventures In Time And Space" - McGee's fanatical psychiatrist manages to have him sectioned indefinitely in a high security psychiatric facility, where he meets a Tesla-like fellow patient who has been filling notebooks with a demented scrawl outlining plans for a time-machine. McGee is intrigued and purchases the designs off the mad Nobel prize laureate for a packet of Sovereign cigarettes and a Mars bar, before completing his inevitable violent escape... with the aid of himself, having come back from the future.

Now assured of time-travelling success , McGee gambles all his reserves on building the machine in an attempt to win the big prize: a shot at fucking the largest owl that ever existed: Ornimegalonyx, the extinct Giant Cuban Land Owl. After briefly popping back a week or so to rescue himself from Broadmoor, McGee sets off for the Caribbean of a long, long, time ago...

This could prove to be McGee's most challenging expedition yet, however; not only is the time-machine fucked on arriving in prehistory (due to the lack of essential GPS satellites for its guidance systems), but McGee finds to his cost that Giant Cuban Land Owls are not only highly intelligent social predators, but also highly perverse sexual predators to boot... has the hunter finally become the hunted?!

Secretary 2: A Short Film About Bile and Jism

FYC Valentine Special: "Secretary 2: A Short Film About Bile and Jism" - Krzysztof Kieslowski's straight-to-DVD social-realist sequel to the well-received erotic comedy from 2002. Scarlett Johansson plays an office admin assistant starting to feel her biological-clock ticking and her career flat-lining - feelings she tries to numb through excessive consumption of Bacardi Breezers and flirting with her unhappily married boss.

Things come to a head when she gets wasted at the office Christmas party and tries to seduce him, only to realise that he's a closet homosexual and she winds up fellating a sweaty salesman in the stockroom before vomitting on his shoes and crying for an hour.

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

"Plato vs The Martians: Cave of Shadows"

FYC: "Plato vs The Martians: Cave of Shadows" - Faithful adaptation of 'The Republic' by the team who brought you 'The Three Musketeers 3D', in which the father of Western philosophy is the only man who can defeat the Martian invasion fleet - but first he must escape their underground prison, and rescue the Princess of the World of Forms. However, the Martians have a powerful ally in the form of the villainous Rodney King (Hugh Grant in black-face), and his army of robot frogs.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

"Ken Loach's 'Revenge of the Ninja' "

FYC: "Ken Loach's 'Revenge of the Ninja' " - Depressing tale charting the rise and fall of an idealistic young peasant Masao, who runs away to join the Togakureryu ninja clan after his impoverished parents are forced to sell him as a scullery boy to the local shogun. Banned from video release in the 80s due to frequently, bloody use of nunchuks, the highlight of this overwhelmingly grey and depressing action film is the forty minute conference Masao instigates to persuade his colleagues to allow unions into the clan.

Monday, 11 February 2013

"Lassie vs. Selassie"

FYC: "Lassie vs. Selassie" - Having seen the miserable conditions of other working dogs in her native USA, the heroic sheep dog defects to the Soviet Union to volunteer her services to Marxist regimes - her first mission  is to help recapture and execute the former Ethipoian emperor who has escaped the clutches of the brutal Derg, before he can be smuggled out of the country by a disorganised yet enthusiastic Rastafarian commando team who ironically wish to repatriate him to Jamaica.

Sunday, 10 February 2013

"The Gravid Owl"

FYC: "The Gravid Owl" - Surrealist biography of Pol Pot in the style of Bunuel, focusing on the U.S. bombing and the subsequent horror of Year Zero in which a fifth of the population was shot, worked or starved to death in the world's single greatest proportional genocide. Starring the muppets as the Cambodian people, and Vin Diesel as both Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger.

Friday, 8 February 2013

"Dreaming of Dwarfs"

FYC: "Dreaming of  Dwarfs" - Sean Penn stars and directs in this childrens' animated favourite about an anthropomorthic dog dying painfully of cancer, pissing blood and gazing wistfully out of the window. Includes famous speech in which Jojo the Dog exhorts Rachel Robin to make the most of her freedom and to "Fly with all her heart!" only to realise that she is deaf, and that life is ultimately meaningless and empty.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

"Michael Bay's 'Taste of Cherry' "

FYC: "Michael Bay's 'Taste of Cherry' " - Remake of the Iranian art-house festival darling from 1997, in which Will Smith plays a distraught TV network executive planning to commit suicide on Thanksgiving after the death of his brother from a drugs overdose. Needing someone to bury his corpse beneath Philadelphia's Liberty Bell, he tries to hire a succesion of characters to aid him, including a Kung-fu master, a lap-dancer, a nun and a mysterious child who turns out to be an alien from another world, each of whom teaches him something important about the spirit of Thanksgiving. Culminates in Hollywood's most expensive gun battle to date where Will Smith and 'The Suicide Posse' take out the drug dealing mobsters.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

"The Kisses Of Rafik"

FYC: "The Kisses Of Rafik" - Melancholy celluloid poetry in the vein of Tarkovsky from director Perry Andelin Blake and star Dana Carvey in their follow up to 2002's 'The Master Of Disguise'. Banjo is a sensitive young homosexual living in the Tora Bora mountains of Afghanistan, but after his village is blown up, with him the only survivor, he is raised by a charitable flight of unmanned U.S. Predator drones. But when his new family is mercilessly shot down by the Taliban, he ventures out of the hills to seek fortune, and love, in the unforgiving extremist cities of Peshawar.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Puppet Got The Strings

FYC: "Puppet Got The Strings" - Violent porno-art film starring Willem Dafoe from the makers of "Short Bus", about a meth-addled transvestite ventriloquist prostitute and her/his increasingly abusive pimp-dummy, "Baron Doll-omite".

"Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head."

FYC: "Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head." - Post-punk zombie film set in the apocalyptic wasteland of Thatcher-era Salford, Manchester. Overwhelmed with depression, Kurt Ians, the charismatic young singer of an up-and-coming local band, hangs himself, inspiring a wave of copycat suicides. But little did he know that the medication he had been prescribed was contaminated with chemical warfare agents from a nearby American airforce base, and he is condemned to rise from the grave... along with his hundreds of depressed followers who also killed themselves.

Monday, 4 February 2013

"James Bond: Modicum of Danger"

FYC: "James Bond: Modicum of Danger" - Daniel Craig stars as the indomitable James Bond as he travels to Venezuela in an attempt to manipulate a random woman in a laundromat into claiming that Chavez is ready to strike London with a dirty-bomb, thereby providing the pretext for an Anglo-American oil war. Light hearted family fun, with all the usual Bond trademarks of callous murder and near-rape.

Sunday, 3 February 2013

"From London With Love"

FYC: "From London With Love" - new Working Title film from the pen of Richard Curtis. Maggie (Cameron Diaz) is a high-flying corporate lawyer forcibly seconded to a stodgy old firm in London after a tryst with her boss goes wrong, leaving her heart-broken and wary. But romance soon blossoms between her and a cheeky unemployed football-hooligan (Jason Statham) who chips away at her cynicism... until disaster strikes when he coincidentally beats the shit out of the Bangladeshi owner of the neighbouring convenience store and leaves him for dead. Can Maggie save him from conviction in the light of damning forensic evidence? A delightful comedy of manners from Olde London Towne.

Saturday, 2 February 2013

"Back To The Futures Market"

FYC: "Back To The Futures Market" - Family-fun farce for all ages in which Marty McFly must use Doc's magic car to go back in time and precipitate a brutal, genocidal war in Congo, otherwise his highly leveraged coltan-mineral deal will go sour and his employer's hedge-fund will collapse. Rated PG for grisly amputations of African civilians, and also the wrinkled grey nudity of Warren Buffet and George Soros in a steamy one-of-a-kind erotic cameo.

Friday, 1 February 2013

"Friends On Benefits"

FYC: "Friends On Benefits" - Charming comedy in which Justin Timberlake plays a graphic-designer who can never afford his round due to being unemployed for eight years. Things go from bad to worse when his hot claims assessor (Jeniffer Aniston) starts to suspect that his long-suffering room-mate is really his lover, issues a demand for repayment of housing assistance and threatens to prosecute him for benefit fraud.