Monday, 12 December 2011

"Woody Allen's 'Tranny Granny' "

FYC: "Woody Allen's 'Tranny Granny' " - The Manhattan mirth-meister's hard-core pornographic semi-autobiographical re-imagineering of Robin Williams classic "Mrs Doubtfire", in which Allen plays a perverted film director, Buddy, suffering from sexual frustration as his shrew-like wife's divorce proceedings deny him the chance to fuck his adopted children. But there are chuckles a-plenty when Buddy disguises himself as a kindly, matronly nanny so that he can continue to pseudo-paedo-incestuously diddle his kids over the holiday season, under the very noses of his embittered wife and a callous judicial system. A festive Christmas treat for the whole family. Includes the classic lines "Don't touch her dreidel!" and "Isn't Rufinol traditional for Hannukah latkes?"

Monday, 5 December 2011

My Dinner With Peter Andre

FYC: "My Dinner With Peter Andre" - When Vin Diesel's limousine breaks down on the motorway en route to a press event in England to promote his latest film, he is forced to have a meal at the Little Chef at the infamous Heston Services. There he almost loses the will to live over a bowl of alledged tomato-soup whilst being waited on by listlesss, resentful staff and angry families with screaming children. However, his meal is enlivened by the arrival of another celebrity, Peter Andre, who has come to Heston on business (cutting the ribbon on the new Greggs for twenty quid and two sausage rolls) - the two proceed to talk about life, love, and the fickle nature of international stardom, with Andre asking Diesel what it's like.

Monday, 21 November 2011

"Ocean's 12 Angry Men" [Special Guest Entry]

FYC: "Ocean's 12 Angry Men" - Heart-throb George Clooney resumes his role as Danny Ocean for one last time. In this court-room comedy (courmedy), he needs to persuade his fellow jurors that Brad Pitt is not only devilishly handsome, but also innocent of molesting homeless vagrants. Hilarity ensues. But does Danny have alternate motives for his shenanigans? Can we ever really know what the two are thinking? [Contributed by The Silver Monkey]

608 State: Mozart Whores It To The Robots

FYC: "608 State: Mozart Whores It To The Robots" - Michael Bay's action packed prequel to Amadeus in which the musical prodigy, having had to squander his annual income on a syphillis treatment, is forced to combine two fantasias into one for Mr Muller's mechanical musical robots in return for the payment of his gambling debts. But little do they know that a music-hating time-traveller has returned from the future and is sabotaging Mozart's manuscripts on their way to Muller's gallery, introducing complex viruses that make the robots churn out Coldplay and go on a killing spree in Vienna. Mozart is blamed for the 'daemoniac' music until the time-traveller's true nature is revealed... but it turns out that he is the descendant of the man killed by Muller in a duel, when he was living under his real name of Count Deym von Stritez, and there is a death penalty hanging over Mozart's benefactor!

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Jenkem Jones and the Bottles of Luxardo

FYC: "Jenkem Jones and the Bottles of Luxardo" - Intrepid 19th century explorer and exotic drug-dealer India 'Jenkem' Jones investigates a ruthless East-end gang of bootleg jenkem manufacturers, who are flooding the European market with unwholesome, less psychedelic jenkem produced from the bowels of London's street urchins, covering up the lack of the distinctive Zambian aroma of the true product from Lusaka by tipping the contents of random spirit bottles into the faecal mixture before fermentation. Queen Victoria, whose stock has been contaminated, has taken to her bed in a fit of deep melancholia and her doctor fears that only genuine jenkem will revive her. Can Jenkem Jones save the Queen, and the Empire? Starring Adrien Brody as the indefatigable man of action and letters.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

"Russell's Paradox"

FYC: "Russell's Paradox" - Moving drama starring Vin Diesel as neuro-scientist Dr. Richard Dick and Ben Kingsley as his brain-damaged patient Russell, who is awaiting surgery to treat his debillitating illness - the unshakeable delusion that he has hypochondria.

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

"A Million Hail Marys: Mothers of the Church"

FYC: "A Million Hail Marys: Mothers of the Church" - In the year 2039, in utero fetus transplantation has become a reality and after being challenged on a live TV debate, the Pope (Bernie Mac) is forced into decreeing that Catholic nuns have to incubate and give birth to unwanted pregnancies that would otherwise be aborted.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

"It won't change me..."

FYC: "It won't change me..." - Film documenting the life of a mild-mannered postal worker from Slough after he wins the lottery, divorces his wife and spends the last ten years of his time on earth drinking champagne off the tits of high-class hookers in Monaco and rotting his septum with almost 100% pure Peruvian marching powder. Inspirational.

Monday, 31 October 2011

"The Life of Me, Part 5 - Like a Prayer"

FYC: "The Life of Me, Part 5 - Like a Prayer" - The latest and hopefully last installment of Madonna's epic autobiography, focusing on her unhappiness with her failed film career and the desparate occult steps to which she resorted to remedy it, ending with her being driven into hiding and only re-emerging as Japan's first female champion sumo wrestler. After yet another flop and the merciless ridicule of critics and film-goers alike, Madonna makes a Kabalistic prayer to His Darkness Cthulhu so she can invoke the spirits of Orson Welles and Marlon Brando. Sadly, she is only possessed by their appetites for fried food, and after she eats a small Mexican town (including the mayor) whilst on vacation, she has to flee angry villagers with pitchforks and burning torches, and reassess her life. But she finds redemption across the Pacific where her new found humility and body-mass index prove strangely useful in a local sport. Sadly the main character is both badly acted and completely unempaphetic. Starring Madonna as herself.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

"Redshirts: The Biscuit Battles"

FYC: "Redshirts: The Biscuit Battles" - Gus Van Sant's Aardman-animated epic about the bloody liberation of Italy using bakery products for the characters. Starring the voice of the Cookie Monster as the heroic Garibaldi and the voice of infamous alternative Bolywood actor Hrithik Roshan as Count Bourbon. Rumoured to have one of the highest cost over-runs of any animated feature due to the destructive addiction of unnamed voice talent that kept eating the models on set in the middle of the night.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

"Disney's Dancing Dunblane - 3D"

FYC: "Disney's Dancing Dunblane - 3D" - Fantasia-style animated musical celebrating over a century of school shooting massacres and the sanctity of the Second Amendment, uniting the best of our favourite Disney characters and the best of Pixar's newest animation techniques. Best viewed on IMAX with THX sound to fully appreciate the rasping, bleeding lung puncture in the hilarious sequence in which school-nurse Mickey Mouse is running around with buckets vainly trying to pour students' blood back into their bodies through the bullet holes.

Friday, 30 September 2011

"Rudy Can't Fail: A Bi-coastal Baadasssss Tale"

FYC: "Rudy Can't Fail: A Bi-coastal Baadasssss Tale" - Terrence Malick's meditative body-swap drama in which a young mayor Rudy Giuliani of New York trades places with "Mr. Dolemite" Rudy Ray Moore, with profound implications for both Californian blaxploitation film artistry and the socio-dynamics of the Manhattan area. Giuliani finds it increasingly difficult to invent Shakespearean couplets about honkies, pimps and bitches whilst Moore encounters problems delivering his campaign of "Zero-Tolerance for Rat-soup Eating' Jive-Ass Mutha-Fuckaz".

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

"UB-40 Kenobi"

FYC: "UB-40 Kenobi" - After the Jedi Council is crushed by the Dark Lords of the Sith, Obi Wan Kenobi and Yoda flee to Tatooine and Dagobah respectively and try to adjust to their new circumstances. The skills of a Jedi Knight being in little demand for farming and swamp reclamation, they are forced to downsize to hovels and eventually sign-on for unemployment benefits at the Imperial Job-Centre. After Obi Wan gets fed up of the aggravation from his Jawa neighbours, the two friends decide to use their little remaining funds to go on one last sailing holiday on Kamino and reminisce about the good-old days, but will the fights caused by Yoda's growing alcoholism and lechery cause Obi Wan to blow his cover and use his light sabre once more?

Monday, 26 September 2011

"Eat, Pray, Die"

FYC: "Eat, Pray, Die" - Laugh-a-minute comedy about an innocent man (Ving Rhames) about to be executed in Texas, and his desire for one last tasty meal which is his traditional right... but the state and prison governors have some hilarious plans to make it as unpalatable as possible! Even if she can't get him a fair trial, can the pulchritudinous campaigner from Amnesty International (Angelina Jolie) at least swing him a decent burger, before he himself swings from the noose?

Saturday, 24 September 2011

"CSI: Morecambe Bay - Town Of Dog Lovers"

FYC: "CSI: Morecambe Bay - Town Of Dog Lovers" - Feature length outing for the CSI: Morecambe Bay team set during the annual "Tutti Frutti" 1950s festival, in which the crime scene detectives of the small northern shit-tip have to investigate the death of a pensioner found underneath the statue of light entertainer Eric Morecambe to determine whether there is foul play. There isn't.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

"L.B.W. !"

FYC: "L.B.W. !" - Inspiring tale about a leporous cricket prodigy from Bangladesh who uses his detached left leg as his bat, and his dream of playing at Lord's in England before he dies.

"Darja Does Darfur"

FYC: "Darja Does Darfur"  - Lars von Trier's downbeat pornographic comedy starring Scarlett Johanssen as a self-harming Danish nurse who goes to Darfur to witness unhappiness greater than her own, and hence be able to vicariously suffer more. After witnessing the destruction of a refugee camp by the Janjaweed and being abducted to be repeatedly raped as a sex slave, she is liberated by the  SLM/A and joins the female-circumcision ceremony of a local village, ecstatically performing autoclitoridectomy when rejected by the elders.

Monday, 19 September 2011

"The Devils of Luton"

FYC: "The Devils of Luton" - Sequel to the Ken Russell/Oliver Reed adaptation of Aldous Huxley's literary masterpiece about superstition, hysteria, sexual repression and social control, updated to take place within the Easy-Jet check-in desk at London's more obscure airport in Bedfordshire. Large-framed airline CEO Stelios Haji-Ioannou apparently makes a pact with the devil, selling his soul in exchange for a reality-TV show, beautifying liposuction and a lucrative code-sharing agreement with Ryanair. But things go wrong when the papal mission to Britain invokes an ancient privilige of burning heretics and sends Swiss-guards to raze the main terminal to the ground...

Sunday, 18 September 2011

"Driving Ms Jay-Z"

FYC: "Driving Ms Jay-Z" - Remake of Pullitzer-prize winning comedy in the style of "Guess Who?", with Jack Black playing Hokie, the equivalent role to Morgan Freeman's as the unctuous Caucasian chauffeur of the black billionaire's stroppy ingrate of a daughter, Tina. Charming, but perhaps too politically correct, especially in the scenes where Tina teaches Hokie how to booty-quake and the rudiments of rhythm whilst Hokie reciprocates by teaching his charge about the joys of Aerosmith. A landmark film, that proves with it's deft reversal of roles just how far America has come in race relations from the late 1980s.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

"The Fold"

FYC: "The Fold" - Harking back to those 80s Tom Cruise vehicles, Josh Hartnett stars as a wild but talented youth with a streak of brilliance in him; the brilliance of Origami. But can his mentor (Michael Caine) straighten him out and help him win the Osaka Origami championships in Japan, or will he self-destruct like his absent father did before him?

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

"Japanese Cherry"

FYC: "Japanese Cherry" - Quirky indie dramedy about a young Asian-American who dreams of becoming a politician - but finds that he has to support himself through his internship in the president's office in Washington by working as a fluffer on gay porn films.

Monday, 12 September 2011

"Spazmo Wilkins Goes To The Zoo"

FYC: "Spazmo Wilkins Goes To The Zoo" - Heart-wrenching fable about an innocent man with learning disabilities and his fatal encounter with the lion enclosure. Starring Javier Bardem as Spazmo and Harvey Keitel as the lion.

"The Post-Graduate"

Sequel to Dustin Hoffman classic in which Benjamin Braddock wastes six years of his life making little progress on his phD in Sociology before jacking it in and becoming an accountant in a plastics firm, during which time Elaine becomes fed up of having to work as a waitress to support him and goes back to her husband.

"Requiem for D-Ream"

FYC: "Requiem for D-Ream" - Adam Curtis's debut feature film charting the parallel rise and fall of the 90s pop legends and the political idealism of the New Labour generation, starring Vin Diesel as Tony Blair. Pioneering in its use of the reverse of the hobbit scaling process from Lord Of The Rings, utilised so that Gordon Brown can be played by Verne Troyer.

"The Three Musketeers"

FYC: "The Three Musketeers" - 3D period adventure directed by Paul W.S. Anderson (of Resident Evil, Death Race, Event Horizon) with a script adapted from Alexandre Dumas' novel by thee writers of "Predators". Featuring giant aerial fights with floating blimps and a sexy assassin princess. {Oh wait, this actually exists...}

"Surf's up!"

FYC: "Surf's up!" Zany high-concept comedy in which a young cool-kid is transported into a crazy world where Google Wave and the Segway never existed.

"The Queen of Hurts"

FYC: "The Queen of Hurts" - On her 90th birthday Queen Elizabeth II renounces her throne, donates all her family's wealth to charity and finally pursues her life-long dream of becoming a professional geriatric cage fighter. Sanguinary.


FYC: "RoboCod" - Having stripped their countrymen of all their natural resources for selling dirt cheap to foreign companies, Iceland's right-wing resorts to an extreme and sinister plot to find a new way of enriching themselves...

Our Sponsor's Special Spiritual Sermon for Sunday

The Sermon of The Young Jesus, After Encountering the Beasts

Yea, verily, near Nazareth there was a town called Magdalene. And in that town there was a whore named Mary, and she was envious of Jesus and his miracles, since she was known as a maker of miracles herself.

This Mary had a most amazing ass. So amazing was her ass, that people came from many miles away to see it, and if they were lucky, ride it. And Mary the whore was proud of her miraculous ass, and challenged Jesus to shew the people a greater miracle if he could.

When Jesus saw Mary, her beauty, and her miraculous ass, he was afeared and fell to his knees. But THE LORD gave him strength, and he proclaimed: "Verily, Mary, thou hast a fine ass, but I will tame it, and show my dominion over you and your ass, for I am also thine Father [some sources say:'Daddy'] !"

Jesus then spanked that ass. He spanked it so good and hard, that Mary screamed aloud. Then Our Saviour mounted that ass and rode it ragged for hour after hour, all the while laughing and whooping, till Mary was most vexed and shouted out "Verily thou art my Father [Daddy]! Now get off my ass, your mighty riding has worn it out!"

And The Lord was most pleased.

And the next day, he was asked to perform another miracle involving beasts, when he had to tame a pair of frothing hot black bitches in the next city...

"Return of the PriMack"

FYC: "Return of the PriMack" - The world's worst-dressed pimp comes out of retirement, aiming to make enough money off his bitches to buy out the entire stock of a certain discount clothing store in Sudbury.

"Terminator-Mission:Your Mom"

FYC:"Terminator-Mission:Your Mom"-After the robot empire discovers a Rumsfeld-era CIA psyops book,they send a special terminator back to 1985 with a box of Trojans and a Polaroid camera.They aim to demoralise&discredit John Connor by having the cyborg fuck his mom&transmit the evidence to the humans in 2029.Can Sarah resist such lines as"Baby, I was made to love you"?Music by James Brown.

"Mike Leigh's Carry On Cracking Brittle Bones"

FYC: "Mike Leigh's Carry On Cracking Brittle Bones" - Gary Oldman is the head of a beleaguered old-people's home whose funding has been cut by Thatcher's government. Senile-dementia saves the day when he realises that the OAPs are so confused they think it's still World War 2 and will fuck for nylons and turns the home into a brothel for gerontophiles. Features hardcore cluster-fuck centred on Dame Judi Dench.

"Diesel Power"

FYC: "Diesel Power" - Musical featuring the works of Liam Howlett, set in an alternate history in which Vin Diesel was the 43rd president of the United States. Widely admired for the 9/11 themed dance-number "Firestarter" with plane choreography inspired by Busby Berkley. Based on a novel by Philip K Dick.

"Brooklyn Zu"

FYC: "Brooklyn Zu" - Biopic of Ole Dirty Bastard starring the disinterred cyborg corpse of Sir Laurence Olivier in black-face. Corpse puppeteering by the disinterred cyborg corpse of Jim Henson, in turn puppeteered by the wizards at George Lucas's Industrial Light and Magic.


For Your Consideration:"Invictus2:Victus" - in which Matt Damon emigrates to South West London in order to escape black majority rule,and works as a junior market researcher whilst desperately trying to disguise his bigotry from other Londoners. But will his love of beer keep the mask slipping? *warning* contains frequent, repetitive drunken monologues about how FW DeClerk is just as much of a hero as Nelson Mandela.